Page 31 of I Knew You Were Trouble

‘Sorry – too much information,’ I say.

‘It’s okay. I get it. Jon’s not the most…’

‘No, he isn’t,’ I reply. ‘But I convinced myself that the intimacy side of things didn’t matter as much as everything else.’

‘So, we’vebothbeen lying to ourselves,’ she observes, her lips flattening into a line.

‘I’d say so, yes.’

I’m thrown off kilter when an unnerving mental picture pops up, unbidden and unwanted – Jon and Adriana in bed together. It’s like poking an open wound with a stick and I swallow hard, tamping down the rising bile.

‘Are you okay?’ she asks, her face etched with concern.

I look away from her potent gaze, wondering how to answer because I am very much not okay. But she’s been open with me – this has been one of the frankest conversations of my life – so I may as well be truthful about everything.

‘Adriana, as easy as it is to talk to you – and believe me, I’m astounded by that, almost as much as you existing in the first place… But that aside… It’s difficult picturing you and Jon together, especially intimately. Even though I know up here’ – I tap the side of my head – ‘that Jon’s whole persona is a fabrication, my heart is taking a little longer to catch up.’

‘I understand,’ she says, her eyes filled with empathy.

There’s a profound relief in sharing my predicament with someone who truly gets it, and I exhale slowly, the unease giving way to calm. I send her a warm smile and she returns it.

‘And I want to say something, but I don’t want it to come across as condescending – or insulting.’

‘You can say it,’ she replies.

‘It’s just… you seem so stoic about everything. I didnothandle the news as well as you have.’

Her brows lift in disbelief, then she grins at me.

‘That’s generous, considering I got home an hour ago and you’ve already seen me shouting at my brother, then sobbing on his shoulder, and now I’m tipsy on vodka. At eleven in the morning.’

At the mention of vodka, I eye my half-drunk glass. With thestroopwafelsand the heightened emotions, I don’t think I should drink any more, and I push it away.

‘Now canIsay something?’ Adriana asks.

‘Of course.’

‘When Willem first told me about you, I tried to convince myself you weren’t real, only I knew he wouldn’t lie to me about something like that. He never lies about anything. But I felt stupid and gullible, so I told myself he must be mistaken. Although, he’s also never mistaken. It’s really annoying that he’s so perfect.’ We share a gentle laugh. ‘Anyway, I knew deep down that it was true – that you and Jon were also engaged – but I kept lying to myself. I even convinced myself it was a good idea to introduce him to our parents.’

‘Willem told me about that. It was the clincher – what made me decide to come.’

‘I did wonder how he convinced you.’

‘He seems like a good man –anda good brother,’ I say.

She sighs. ‘He is. Willem’s always looked out for me. That’s why it’s impossible to stay angry at him. Although, I have tried very hard these past two weeks,’ she says wryly.

‘He told me that part too.’

‘He must like you. Willem isn’t open with many people.’

He must like you.

It’s an innocuous statement considering the heftier topics we’ve covered, but Adriana’s words zip through me like the silver ball pinging around a pinball machine. I can almosthearthe bells chime as long-dormant parts of me light up, exhilarated.

Gah! What am I, a schoolgirl with a crush? I may not be able to control how itfeelsbeing around Willem, but I can control my actions. From now on, no more perving on the fit brother.

‘So,’ I say brightly, changing the subject, ‘now that we’re both in the know – and are willing to admit it to ourselves – how do we proceed?’Thisis my wheelhouse – strategising and executing a plan.

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