Page 126 of I Knew You Were Trouble

We arrive at the café and he opens the door for me, signalling for me to go ahead, as always. I scout for a table and choose one towards the back, away from curious eyes and ears. If thisisgoodbye, I’d like as few witnesses as possible.

A waiter bustles over and we both order coffee, but when he leaves, the silence between us grows to gargantuan proportions. If it had a physical form, it would fill this entire café.

‘I was about to fly to Amsterdam—’ I say, right as Willem says, ‘I’ve never been any good at this.’

At least, Ithinkthat’s what he said. ‘Sorry?’ I ask to clarify.

He clasps his hands behind his neck, expelling a loud breath, then dropping them back in his lap.

Oh, so thisisgoodbye.

The Champagne curdles in my stomach and my breath catches, shallow and fraught. This is far more nerve-wracking than confronting Jon. Perhaps because it’s my future at stake, not my past.

‘Willem,’ I say, just as he starts speaking again. We both laugh nervously.

‘Go ahead,’ he says with a gentle smile. I attempt to read what’s in his eyes, but they’re now clouded with a maelstrom of emotions.

Breathe, Kate, breathe.

I can’t recall any other day when I’ve had to coach myself to breathe as often as today. I inhale deeply, steeling myself.

‘Before, when I ran into you –literally,’ I add, stalling with a feeble joke, ‘I was on my way to see you.’ His lips part in surprise, which I take as a small sign of encouragement. ‘Willem, I owe you an apology.’

He regards me intently and I swallow –hard.

‘Last Saturday at your house… that rant…Mostof what I said was the truth. This whole mess has me turned inside out and there have been so many times over the past few weeks when I’ve hardly recognised myself. I’mnotthe adventurous type who takes off to another country at a moment’s notice or plays the leading role in a revenge plot. That’s not me.

‘Only, maybe itis, which I realise is confusing – it’s confusing to me – but not recognising myself, seeing myself through others’ eyes, like Lucia’s and Adriana’s…yours… it’s beenliberating. When I faced Jon earlier, it was like something had been unleashed in me. I felt powerful and in control – and not in the way I usually do, where I’m governed by schedules and procedures, following rules to the letter – but like I was setting the terms for my own life. Because before all this, before you buzzed my flat, my life was tidy and predictable and, in many ways,small.

‘But I don’t want small any more. I want new experiences and possibilities and to view the world through fresh eyes. I want to feel alive inside, to slough off the Kate who willingly believed the lies of a narcissist, simply because they gave the illusion of novelty when, in reality, those occasional disruptions to my status quo merely mimicked excitement.

‘AndthatKate, the one who’s no longer satisfied with small and safe, she started to emerge when I met you. And, yes, I’m wildly attracted to you but that’s not the reason, that’s not whataffectedme, what gave me a glimpse of a different way of… well,being.

‘So, when I said what I did about falling into bed with you and dismissing our time together as purely physical… that partwasn’tthe truth. Because you are so much more – as a person and to me. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said those things and I’m sorry I didn’t stop you from leaving and I’m sorry I didn’t apologise the second you came back. I’m sorry for all of it.’

I’ve rambled on long enough and I sit back against the chair, slowly blowing out a breath, my eyes fixed on his. His expression has softened since the start of my meandering monologue, which both terrifies me – he could be trying to let me down gently – and fuels that glimmer of hope.

Please let it not be too late.

Willem licks his lips, then reaches across the tiny table to take my hand. The glimmer takes hold, swelling inside me as his thumb runs along the back of my hand. I study him closely, holding my breath, and he’s about to speak when our coffees arrive.

When the waiter leaves, I meet Willem’s eyes again.Breathe, Kate, breathe.

‘Bad timing, yes?’ Willem asks with a rueful smile, and my stomach plumets. Because it was bad timing, us meeting – I was engaged to someone else, for starters – but surely that doesn’t matter now?

I try to pull my hand away, but he holds on tightly.

‘Kate,’ he says, smiling, ‘I was talking about the coffee.’

‘Oh!’ I exclaim, relief flooding through me. ‘Sorry,’ I add with a shake of my head.

‘No more apologies. Well, except from me.’

‘You don’t owe me?—’

‘I do and I’m terrible at them, which is why I’ve been such a coward. I shouldn’t have let this much time go by… And I shouldn’t have walked out – that was wrong of me, but I convinced myself that you meant what you said.’

‘I didn’t.’

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