Page 62 of Shout Out To My Ex

‘Good.’ She flops onto her favourite chair – probably to keep her distance until I tend to my hygiene.

‘So, what’s the brilliant news?’ I ask, reaching for the Hobnob packet. Empty – poo.

‘The photoshoot for theNouveauspread is booked for the day after tomorrow.’

‘But—’

‘No buts. No ifs or ands either. Oh, actually, there is one and – Leo’s going to be there.’

‘What?’ I screech. ‘But?—’

‘We already covered that – no buts,’ she says, cutting me off.

I stand and start pacing – the Bliss sisters’ go-to when it all becomes unbearable and there’s room to move. Another thing I love about our flat: we have space fordays. I cross to the three wide windows that look out over the neighbourhood and watch for a moment. Just normal people going about their lives. Leaving work and heading home or arriving home after work – where we live is both residential and commercial. I wonder how many of these people also feel like they’re drowning in quicksand. I’d wager that none of them have spent their day the same way I have.

‘Bean? What’s going on in there?’ She means my head.

I turn around slowly and lean against the windowsill, which fits perfectly under my bum. ‘If I tell you something, will you promise not to judge me or be all big-sisterly, or… Just don’t make it harder than it is, okay?’

‘I would never do that.’

I lift my brows and blink at her pointedly.

‘Deliberately,’ she adds, as good a promise as she can give.

I inhale deeply. Then exhale without saying anything, because saying it out loud will make it real and it cannot be real. Well, it can, because it is, but in the broader scheme of things, it makes life rather difficult – for me, for Cass, and possibly even for Leo.

Cassie waits patiently. I inhale again and this time, I say it, my voice tight and small.

‘I think I still love him.’ She doesn’t say anything, even after several moments, so I add, ‘Leo. I think I still love Leo.’

‘I knew who you meant, Elle.’

‘Well, why didn’t you say anything?’

‘Give me a chance,’ she says with a mirthless laugh.

‘Sorry.’

She shakes her head, indicating that I’m forgiven. ‘So, what was it that tipped you over? It wasn’t that long ago you called him a tosser – with bad taste in clothes.’

‘I know. And I’ve wondered about that night – about why he was like that, all arrogant and too-cool-for-school. That’s not really him, is it?’

‘Not the Leo I remember, no.’

‘But that’s just it – on the train, at the party before the announce— Before… well, you know.’

She nods.

‘Even him bringing me the peonies…’

‘I thought you were angry about the peonies.’

‘I was at the time but…’

‘Mmm. And where are you at regarding how things ended between you – back then?’

‘Okay – I think.’

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