Page 23 of Shout Out To My Ex

But then if he is, he’s the one who left without a word, who ignored every email, text, and phone call – the one who ripped out my heart and took it with him to Texas.

‘It’sElle.’ I snatch my wrist away and march out of the restaurant without another word and without looking back. I’m halfway down the block when I realise I have no idea where the nearest Tube stop is, and I stop in a shopfront portico to get my bearings.

Leo Jones.

He was my whole world, my universe, the person who shared my orbit. Then he was gone, and there was a void so unfathomable, I could hardly breathe. For weeks –months– I lived in a sort-of fog, as if I were experiencing the world through a milky lens. Food lost its taste, colours were muted, and all the sharp edges of life – anything I’d once felt acutely – good or bad – even burning my tongue on too-hot tea – feltsoft. If I laughed at something spontaneously, it felt like a betrayal of the great gaping space inside me.

I even stopped designing. I missed job interviews, I missed my graduation.

I was lost.

Slowly, I came back to myself – with Cassie’s support and some tough love from my parents who, after months of putting up with me, ‘gently nudged’ me to move back out of my childhood bedroom and re-engage with life.

I did, but when it comes to relationships, I’ve never really let myself get close to anyone. Which is probably why I have so many first dates but very few fourth dates – and why I choose such boring or boorish men to go out with.

Leo Fucking Jones.

The tears, when they come, are hot, angry, fat tears.

I wish Cassie had been there. She would have known what to do, how to handle the situation, how to handleLeo. I still can’tbelieve I didn’t make the connection before now. I feel so foolish. I’ve been searching for the man forten yearsand for the past few months, he’s been right under my nose.

And he’s far from the person who once lived and breathed inside my orbit.

Who knew Cassie’s little ‘side project’ would be so catastrophic.

‘Cass! Cassie!’ I call as I enter our flat.

She pops her head out of the bathroom, her electric toothbrush whirring in her mouth, and holds up a finger. She finishes and joins me in the lounge.

‘You’re home early,’ she says, scrutinising me. ‘Is that good or bad?’

I flop onto the sofa. Now that I’m home, I’m not sure how to broach this with her. She was so excited about a potential collaboration with Lorenzo.

‘Elle?’

She sits opposite me on her favourite chair and when my eyes meet hers, I feel a little queasy. ‘Um…’

‘Tell me.’

I heave out an immense sigh, then look her in the eye. ‘I know you were really hopeful about this meeting but?—’

‘Well, yes. This could be the huge break we’ve been hoping for.’

‘It’s not going to happen,’ I say.

She looks crestfallen, which stings, but I’m hoping that as soon as I explain the situation, she’ll understand.

‘Why?’ she asks quietly.

‘Well, you’re never going to believe this but Lorenzo… He’sLeo. Leo Jones.’

‘What?’ she asks, leaping out of her seat, her mouth agape. It’s almost comical, her reaction. ‘YourLeo?’

‘Yes. Well, no, not my Leo, as it turns out. But, yes,theLeo – Leo of “A Thousand Nights of Pining” by Elle Bliss fame.’

‘I see,’ she says, sitting back down. ‘And how was it seeing him again?’

There’s still a glimmer of hope in her eyes and I’m about to extinguish it.

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