Page 44 of Frozen Flames

The thought hurts, it stings, it wounds—it destroys me.

I feel like I’m in rehab all over again, hearing the same bullshit lines regarding my prognosis: “Go with the flow” and “We won’t know till we get there.”

All of it was and is frustrating.

I’m sick of waiting… I don’t know what I’m fucking waiting for, yet I’m waiting for something, anything, to change, to turn my life around, and I don’t know what the missing piece is that will fit into the puzzle nicely and alter the course of my life.

So for now I wait, back in my bed, lying down, staring at the white ceiling, knowing I won’t be able to train today.

Gemma pushes for my progress, yet she’s the one who halts it half the time.

Claire greets me a little later while I’m still in bed.

Then she comes and sits on the edge of it.

Even the way she sits on my bed is different than Gemma. Claire sits with graceful confidence, while Gemma sits with her arms around her legs in a timid way.

Why I’m wasting time pondering the way my girlfriend and nurse sit on my bed is beyond me and utterly pathetic.

“Bad night?” she mutters, her voice soft, full of wonder.

I must look horrible if it’s that obvious. “Yeah…I had a dream.”

“What about?”

I clear my throat. “I don’t remember all of it, but I was walking in it, and I was truly happy again.”

“Oh, Harvey…” I see her swallow before she continues. “Perhaps one day you’ll feel that way again.”

I feel horrible for opening up to her, especially after Gemma’s words last night. Those were part of my nightmares, but I won’t tell Claire that.

“It’s been years, I seriously doubt it. Nothing has changed.”

“Perhaps your life as it is now won’t change, or your circumstances, but maybe the way you see your life will.”

She has way too much hope for me. That’s brutally dangerous when I have none for myself, when most days I don’t even want to be on this goddamn earth.

I snort. “I watched a video recently of this disabled guy going off about how he didn’t lose anything essential despite his paralysis.” I shake my head. “Good for him, but who gets to choose what was essential to me, to my life and my identity?”

She swallows again. “You know, I’ve been trying to help you move forward instead of listening to what’s actually bothering you and how painful this loss has been for you.”

“There’s a lot bothering me, Claire.”

“Tell me. Like what?” she asks, curiosity in her eyes.

“Everything. Literallyeverythingand nothing,” I reply, trying to keep all my emotions at bay. “Anyway, how’s your sister doing?” I ask, changing the subject.

“She’s good, doing much better.”

“That’s good. Listen, I can’t train today.”

“Alright. Why don’t we do something fun?” I’m relieved at her suggestion. I was sure she’d fight me on this.

“Like what?”

“Anything you want. We can keep readingLittle Women. Or watch a movie?” she suggests, looking away.

“We can read if you want, then maybe we can game?” I say, assuming that she’ll reject it, since she already told me she’s not into video games.

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