Page 137 of Frozen Flames

I keep going. It’s a short distance, so I take it one step at a time. There’s no parallel bars to support me, no robotic machine to hold me in place. I’m at the mercy of my legs and gravity.

And my legs are trembling.

It takes every ounce of energy in my body to take the next step. But it’s much easier than it would’ve been six months ago. And deep down, I still can’t believe I can walk longer distances in some way.

“Slow and steady,” Henrik encourages me.

Finally, finally, I get to him, and he flicks my forehead jokingly.

“I barely think about Gemma,” I tell my psychologist the following week. I had group therapy for the first time last week, and it was as useless as I figured it’d be.

“And Claire?” asks Dr. Lee.

I snicker. “She’s my biggest motivator.”

He nods. “And why do you think you were able to make those changes for Claire and not Gemma?”

I pause, pondering his question. The reality is, I haven’t given it much thought. In my mind, I did everything I could to fix my relationship with Gemma, so it’s a slap in the face for him to insinuate otherwise.

“I’m not sure what you mean… I told Gemma I’d go to therapy…”

“Yes, after she had already decided to move out and move on.”

The fucker has me there.

“So you’re saying I didn’t put in the effort with Gemma?”

“You did in the way that you could at the time, but perhaps not in the same way you’ve been able to with Claire.”

“Claire’s… I’m in love with her, that’s all.”

He nods and scribbles a few things on his iPad with the pen.

“With her, I always know where I stand,” I add. “I guess with Gemma and her introverted self, I didn’t know where I stood half the time. I guess I filled in the blanks with what I thought of myself, by thinking she was judging me.”

“That’s a very curious, important point you’re making there, Harvey. Do you really think she judged you?”

I think it through. “It felt like it at times. She cared for me and my well-being, that was obvious, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted… I think she couldn’t admit that to herself for the longest time.”

“I’m assuming that you mean romantically, sexually?”

“Yeah.” I shrug.

“Yet you never tried.”

“Never tried what?” I ask, growing frustrated.

“To have a sexual relationship with her.”

“I told you.” I bite my lip. “I had quite a few accidents back then. I felt mortified and didn’t want to risk it happening again. Besides, are you Gemma’s therapist or mine?”

He smiles. “Harvey, we must dig through your past to free you of it. Your relationship with Gemma matters. If you don’t sort this out, it’ll bleed into your relationship with Claire,” Dr. Lee cautions.

I nod.

I wouldn’t want that to happen. I want a clean slate, and I know despite the love I had for Gemma that there’s a lot of unresolved anger there.

“I’m working at the same tattoo shop again, part-time,” I say, eager to change the subject. I recently met with Eddy, the owner, and we agreed to three hours daily to start. I’m doing piercings and small tattoos at first, depending on timing.

---