Page 132 of Frozen Flames

She nods, clearing her throat.

“Do you ever wonder how many versions of ourselves we’ll have to go through before we finally love ourselves?” I ask her, contemplating my life.

She turns her head to stare at me. “I think it depends on who you ask. People who’ve faced trauma, like you, might need a little more time and help, but I think once you get there, each version of yourself makes it easier to love.”

Her words.

I wish I could kiss her. I can’t stop thinking about it as I stroke her hand with my thumb.

“And, Harvey…don’t scare me like that again. If you ever have dark thoughts, you come to me.”

I nod, knowing I will.

Then I fall asleep, and for the first time in a long while, I sleep well—too well.

Claire

Some moments are too painful to describe.

Despite the strong front I’ve put up around Harvey after he contemplated ending his life, I can’t explain the growing anxiety I’ve felt since. Even hearing him say he loves me can’t shake this feeling.

Today’s Friday, and I have the day off. Harv has an appointment with his family doctor, and his parents will be taking him and spending the day with him, for moral support.

I left Harvey’s early this morning while he was still snoring. I didn’t want to risk a run-in with Henrik or his parents.

I’ve been obsessing all morning about how to approach my departure from work. I told Harvey, but I must do it officially, and after yesterday’s events, I’m not sure what to do.

We can’t be together, not until he truly gives himself time to heal. Yet I hate the thought of leaving him professionally at this point in time.

I’m torn.

We both know that my sleeping in his bed last night was to ensure he slept well and wasn’t alone. We both knew that come morning, things would go back to the way they were. Because I can’t be in a relationship with him now just to try to keep him from ending his life.

It’s not a burden anyone should carry.

My mom and I are making chicken Caesar salad that evening while Audrey’s in her room. I’m sure my mom’s wondering why I didn’t come home last night.

“Harvey had suicidal thoughts yesterday,” I tell her. My mom’s eyes widen, and I continue. “He thought about ending his life.”

“That’s terrible! How is he doing now?”

“I know.” I swallow. The thought of losing him, not just as someone I love and want a future with, but as a human being… It would’ve been the ultimate loss.

The man refuses to see how loved he is.

“He’s doing better. He’s on watch with his family, he had a doctor’s appointment today, and he’ll be seeing a therapist soon.” As of next week, his mom had told me when we spoke.

“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, dear,” my mom says. “I imagine that you really don’t know if you should leave now or not…”

Tears begin to fall, coursing down my cheeks. “It’s been hard, but I love him, Mom.”

“Oh, honey.” She hands me a napkin. “I know that you do. But does he love himself? You won’t be able to do that for him.”

“He says he wasn’t going to do it—a part of me believes him. He broke up with his ex, and then I quit…”

“Too much all at once.” My mom nods, patting my hair.

“I don’t know what to do.”

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