Page 128 of Frozen Flames

I chuckle, shaking my head. “You know, you should’ve been a poet, Claire.”

“Well,” she says, smiling, “you’d have surely given me plenty to write about.” She winks at me, and everything feels right in the world again.

The axis is no longer tilting.

The clouds in my head are dissipating.

This woman makes my heart beat to its healthiest rhythm.

“The thought of never being near you again…I couldn’t do it,” I whisper.

Her smile fades, and I can tell she’s trying to keep her glistening eyes from crying again. “If you would’ve gone through with it, something in me would’ve died. You would’ve killed a part of me too.”

I trace my thumb over her cheek after bringing my chair closer to her. “That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I’m going to change, Claire. I promise I’ll change.”

She smiles. “I know that you will. Henrik asked me if it was okay for Gemma to come over and see you. I said yes.”

I sigh, looking up at the ceiling, knowing that this might pose an issue. “He shouldn’t have. She has her own life to live now.”

“Yes, well, there’s no doubt that the pain your relationship has caused is why you had those thoughts today. Henrik also told Gemma that her move-in news might’ve set you off. He didn’t know what to say or not say regarding us.”

I looked at her. “That’s not what led to today, and we both know it.”

“I still think we should keep things between us private.”

I nod. “We don’t need to tell her you left me. I also don’t want her to feel guilty either and put this on herself. The truth is, I’ve just had enough in general.”

“Certain emotions, Harvey…” She sighs. “They can shock the system and make you think of doing things that you wouldn’t normally want to do. But if this is something you’ve thought about many times, I’d love to know,” she says delicately.

“It’s happened often—I won’t lie—but more in the way that I’m sick of living like this…not that I actually want to end my life.”

A knock at the door interrupts us, and my dad comes in, looking worse for wear. “May I steal him for a minute?”

“Certainly.” Claire squeezes my arm, and I swallow. Sometimes I can’t believe my luck to have found her.

When it’s just me and him, he sits on the bed and crosses his knee over his other leg.

“Your mother and I…we’re sorry we couldn’t see your pain. I wish I would’ve known. I can’t pretend I know what to say or do to help you, but know that we want you to guide us throughthe process…” I nod in response. “You’ve always had so much pride, Harvey. Since you were a little one. You always wanted to do things yourself.” I chuckle lightly, and he smiles fondly. “Perhaps you got it from me. But look, I know I wasn’t accepting of your art in college and put a lot of pressure on you to go into the family business…”

“Dad, no—”

He holds his hand up. “I did, Harvey, and for that I’m sorry. All your mother and I want for our sons is for you to live full, happy lives. No one is punishing you. What you wanted then, whether career-wise or relationship-wise, might look very different now after what you went through, and that’s okay.”

“Thanks for saying that.”

“I know that you won’t like this”—he sighs—“but your mother and I insist that you start therapy. Both solo and with others.”

Others, meaning disabled people like me.

It hurts that no matter the words or the intention behind them, I’ll always be another. A different person. I’ll never be viewed as normal again, by myself or anyone else. And I’m still not sure which one is worse.

I want to say fuck therapy. The thought of talking to someone about my feelings, other than Claire, is almost enough to make me wish I’d taken those pills.

But then I think of my promise to Claire to change.

What the hell do I even have to lose at this point? I mean, I almost lost it all, literally, in one morning.

“Alright, I’ll give it a try.”

---