Page 127 of Frozen Flames

I wish I could walk again.

I wish I could take it all back and skip down the fucking road with my own two feet.

I wish thatsomuch.

Those are the parts I want to kill. Those are the parts I hoped would die.

I wasn’t trying to completely eradicate myself. I simply wanted to destroy a part of myself that I could no longer live with.

That’s one of the ultimate pains in life—when you can’t stand the biggest parts of yourself. That’s when the end is near.

It doesn’t take long for Claire to arrive.

We end up in my room with the door closed, and she throws her arms around me, then slowly, after a few seconds, I end up coaxing her body to sit on me and hug me that way.

The thought of never seeing or touching her face again demolishes some of my few happy cells.

“I love you.” I don’t hesitate to tell her, because why not? Why hold back? Since my days on earth might be numbered, maybeI got my thinking all wrong. Maybe I had to want to leave this place to then want to sink my teeth into it.

She’s been crying a lot, that much is obvious.

“Oh, Harv, I love you too. So much,” she croaks, leaning her face into my neck. Her breathing makes me feel alive.

Her voice.

Her love.

I squeeze her in my arms, never wanting to let go.

This is what love feels like—true love. She’s the love of my life. I can feel it with every bone in my body.

And yet I still wish we could’ve started off with a clean slate. I made so many mistakes that will ensure there are insecurities about my relationship with Gemma for months to come. But if I can get my life together and smell the roses for once, then maybe she’ll see how committed I am to her.

“Talk to me…” she mutters.

A tear leaks down from my eyes, and I refuse to look at her out of fear that she’ll think I’m weak.

“Look at me,my love.” She says it with such conviction, as if she’s sure we’ll end up together forever. Tears continue leaking down my cheeks, and she wipes them away one by one. “That’s it. Let it out.” She’s smiling as she says this, tearing up abundantly herself.

“How do you do it, Claire?”

“Do what?” She pushes my hair back.

“Even in dark times like this…why’re you so happy? Why’re you so fuckinghappy, Claire. How do you do it?” She leans back, stunned by my words.

“Harvey…life is hard. Life is much harder for some, much, much harder. Yet I believe we all have blessings. If you pay attention, you’ll notice the wonderful things in your life.” My chest hurts when I take a deep breath in and then exhale. Shegoes on. “But also, the most important thing in the world is how you see yourself, and you view yourself in a very negative light.”

I snicker. “I destroy everyone around me. You can’t fix me, Claire…”

“I know.” She nods. “But you can. There’s plenty to be happy about, Harv—”

“No, there isn’t… I want to walk. I just want towalk. Do you understand that? Do you get how unfair it is that others can and Ican’t?”

She lets me go and settles on the bed instead. “Can’t you see that not everybody gets to do PT and leave their wheelchair—ever?”

“Yeah, well, that was me once—”

“And you pushed through due to your degree of injuries. I feelso stronglyfor you, Harvey, beyond words and imagination, but I won’t betray myself to try and keep you happy while you’re wishing you’d die.”

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