Page 124 of Frozen Flames

It’s seriously shameful. I need to stop.

And start living my life for myself again.

Harvey

I wish I knew how I’d reached this point in my life.

Maybe then I could’ve prevented it.

After Claire left, I spent the evening in my room in total darkness while Hen attended class. Sleep escaped me all night, and a part of me wishes I could fall asleep and never wake up again. I wish I could go peacefully and escape the hell of my own self.

Somehow I’ve never felt more alone.

Everything started the day I was thrown off my Harley.

I often wondered if I should’ve died that night. Maybe I was truly meant to leave this earth, and that’s why I haven’t been able to live happily on it ever since.

I can’t believe she quit and left me.

This hurts me more than my breakup with Gemma, or maybe they’re both intertwining and it’s too much to bear.

The thought that I won’t ever see Claire’s face again or hear her laugh destroys me.

The thought that I failed Gemma hurts me still, while she’s been able to move on so carelessly.

I’m physically weak.

I’m mentally exhausted, dead, even.

I was worried I’d kill Claire’s spirit, yet I ended up killing mine further in the process of loving her.

Because I do. I fucking love her.

And the thought of not walking again, not progressing as I have been, is killing me.

I don’t want to live this life.

I’m sick and tired of the physical ailments and the useless appointments. I don’t want to keep feeling like a failure in my relationships and within myself.

It’s something people often said about me as I eavesdropped at events post-accident: “It’s such a shame. He could’ve done great things, that man!”

Now I feel as if I’ve amounted to nothing.

I’m no one.

I literally have no one.

Henrik doesn’t count. He’s out living his best life, as he should be. He and Gemma and my parents are the only reason I haven’t sliced my wrists yet.

And now the possibility of a future with Claire is also keeping the suicidal thoughts away.

I’m no one.

I have no one.

I’m all alone.

The lack of sleep is getting to me, and the anxiety is too much to handle today.

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