Page 100 of Frozen Flames

“I know they do, Harvey,” she replies defensively. “I was just wondering.”

And what if I don’t progress? What then, Gemma?

Will you leave me then?

Lately, I’ve been able to transfer from my wheelchair to the dining table and my lowered bed, and now to the shower bench.Those are some huge accomplishments for me, but I’d rather shut up about it until they’re permanent, since progress isn’t linear.

“Your day was good?” I try and steer our conversation away from an argument.

She gives me a half-hearted shrug. “Things were slow today. What do you want for dinner? Pizza?”

“Yeah, sure,” I reply, though I don’t have much appetite.

I blow out a breath when she nods and leaves me alone to game. Things have been a little awkward between us lately. She’s tried to seduce me sexually sometimes, and I can’t go through with it.

I’ve had too many close calls and bladder incidents to risk it with her. I won’t have a repeat of the last time we tried and I peed my pants—I was mortified. To make matters worse, I can’t get hard when I want or stay hard to save my life.

Gemma’s young. She has her whole life ahead of her. And as her boyfriend, I should be able to please her. Yet I can’t have her on her knees for me only for her to see me pee myself, or watch me jerk off only to end up like a limp noodle when she needs it most.

Mentally, physically, I’m all tapped out.

I’m drained.

I’m like a fucking ghost.

And it would be insane to have expectations from a ghost.

I’m sure by now Gemma expected me to be back to my usual chipper twenty-two-year-old self. And I won’t lie, a part of me expected that people’s positive words would ring true, that at some point, I would accept my new life.I knew they were wrong, but I wanted to believe them. Because if we don’t have hope, what the fuck do we truly have?

I did make peace with something though—I made peace with the fact that on most days, I still don’t feel better.

Numbness still greets me with familiarity.

And despite new progress here and there, failure keeps me on my toes.

Figuratively, of course.

Harvey

Claire left for the day.

Gemma’s back from work.

And Henrik’s in my room, gaming with me, half whispering about his annoyance with me. “I don’t understand how you can get pissy at Gemma and then turn around and do the same thing to her.”

“It’s not the same thing… Gemma broke up with me, so I can do whatever I want. Besides, I didn’t fuck Claire, now did I?”

He tilts his head to the side, knowing I’m right. Then we’re silent until he randomly pauses the game and says, “Look, you’re my brother. Of course I have your back. If you want me to stop hanging out with Gemma, I will. I know you know that. But if you’re okay with it, I’d like to keep in touch with her and Gia to hang sometimes. If not…”

“Hen…”

“Yeah?”

“I know you’ve never been in a relationship, but that’s the last thing on my mind right now.”

“Right,” he says, as if he didn’t think of that.

“It’s okay. I won’t ask you to stop hanging out with her. I know you guys are friends. I was just mad you didn’t tell me she cheated.”

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