Page 161 of Sincerely, Your Enemy

“Nope. It’s just as well. I have no idea how I feel about him anyway.”

“That’s not true,” Aveena counters. “You know exactly how you feel about him; you just don’t know how to feel about what he did. Two very different things.”

She’s right.

The problem isn’t whether or not I have feelings for TJ. That’s not even a question.

“Be honest. What bothers you the most about this?” she asks.

I stop to think.

“I guess that he lied to my face for so long. That the only reason he entered my life was to hurt me. And…”

I hesitate.

I’ve never really said that part out loud. It’s scary to think, let alone tell people.

“I just can’t help thinking that he would’ve never been interested in me if it wasn’t for Daniel being my dad.”

“There it is,” she says, a soft smile dancing on her lips. She looks proud of me. As though she needed me to get to the conclusion on my own before she brought it up with me.

“I know you hate to talk about her, but, Lace, your mom… she had a much deeper impact on you than you realize.”

“What about my mom?” It comes out a tad defensive.

It doesn’t faze her one bit. “I’m just saying your mom wasn’t there for you, no matter how badly you needed her to be. She was cold and distant. And she made you feel like you had to fight for her love. Like you didn’t deserve it. You’ve had self-esteem issues your whole life because a broken woman didn’t know how to be a mother. I know because I went through the same thing with mine.”

Of course.

It’s no surprise that Aveena sees through me like an open book. She used to have similar issues with her own mother. Issues she eventually worked out, but it took a lot of conversations, time, and effort on both ends.

“And then you met Theo. He was a stupid high school boy, and you became infatuated with him because he was inconsistent, just like she was. You got addicted to the chase, the ups and downs. And every time he rejected you, you stayed. Because it was familiar to you.”

No wonder Aveena has been studying to be a psychiatrist. She’s incredible at this.

“But then you grew up. You became a guardian for your siblings. And when TJ came into your life, you immediately got scared that he would hurt you like they did. In time, you started to trust him, and then what did he do? He broke that trust. And you took him trying to hurt you for revenge as him rejecting you.If you think about it, this was the confirmation you needed that no one could ever truly love you.”

I think a part of me has known these things forever. I like to say that I stopped dating after my dad died to take care of the kids, and it’s true, but it’s not thewholetruth.

Deep down, I think I got tired of feeling rejected all the time. I started to believe that it was inevitable. That it would always happen. No matter what I did.

That the people I loved would never truly love me.

“It’s not just TJ you’re scared of trusting. It’s everyone. And it’s not him you don’t love. It’s yourself.”

Tears have started pouring down my face.

“You want my advice? Go to him. Be with him. Behappy.”

I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “But the way it started?—”

“Doesn’t really matter if you think about it. A painful past brought him to you, but if you take a chance, you could gain an incredible future.”

I’m speechless, silently crying and avoiding eye contact with the confused ice cream shop employee.

“Oh, honey, don’t cry,” Aveena says.

The girls decide to migrate over to my side of the table and give me the cutest group hug you’ve ever seen.

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