Page 50 of Pet Project

I turn my head to stare out my window. I know I’ll never get through everything if I have to see their reactions. This is my deepest pain. Michael might have been abusive, but he never even tried to show me love. He was never family. Frank was the only father I had ever known.

“After we got home that day, he was always mad. Mama tried to cheer him up and make him happy, but he just drank more and more. I started to notice bruises on Mama when I would come home from school. She said she was just clumsy, but a part of me knew better, especially when she started to send me over to Mr. Jones’s house more often.”

My breath hitches and I focus on the hands that are gripping my thigh. I still can’t look at him, but I know Toby has an idea of where things are going.

“One day, shortly after my seventh birthday, I skipped school and hid in the tree in Mr. Jone’s backyard so that I could watch over my mama.”

I pull my knees to my chest, dislodging Toby’s hands. My eyes are no longer seeing the sprawling college campus outside of the window. All I can see is the old house with my neon green BMX bike thrown haphazardlyon the lawn. I swear I can almost the smell of apples in the air from the bushels we brought back from Trax Farms the week before it all went to hell.

A hand grips the back of my neck and pulls me out of the memory. I meet Don’s sympathetic eyes before resting my chin on my knees and recentering myself. I have to remember that I’m no longer alone. Even though nothing has been said, I know these two complete me and I’ll fight every fucking day to keep them.

“Mama didn’t fall like she always told me she did. I watched through the window and saw when Frank slapped her so hard she couldn’t keep her feet. I remember he was screaming about her getting the wrong milk.

“I was in shock. He beat her. The only father figure I could ever know was hurting my mother. All because the store ran out of whole milk and she had to buy two percent for his coffee. I fell out of the tree which resulted in a broken wrist. But I didn’t care about my own pain as I raced into the house. I remember screaming at Frank over and over to stop hitting my mother.”

Daddy! Stop! Mama’s crying! Please, Daddy Frank!

“At one point, I guess I threw myself in the way and got slammed into the cabinets hard enough to crack a few more bones and get a decent concussion. I was lucky, they said…”

The self deprecating chuckle that escapes brings atighter grip on my neck from Don and a whimper from Toby.

“Yeah, I was lucky alright. Lucky enough to be in so much pain that I couldn’t move and had to watch as the only father figure I had ever known beat my mother beyond the point where she was no longer breathing. I watched as the light left her eyes because her terrified gaze never left me. I watched as her body jerked with every impact, long after she was already gone to heaven with the angels.”

Glancing up from my knees, I want to stop. I want to sink into the comfort of forgetting again, but I need to get it all out. With a small shake of my head, I lick my lips to continue.

60

DONNIE

I’m going to kill Matt for being the fucking master of the understatement of the century. There’s a big fucking difference between a kid watching his mother die and a kid watching his mother being beaten to death by his father because she bought the wrong milk.

“What happened next?” Toby asks quietly when Shiloh makes it clear that he doesn’t want to sink into our comfort right now. I’ll have to make do with keeping him grounded with my hand on his nape until he’s ready for us to smother him with love.

“The police arrested Frank,” he says like it’s a no brainer. “The social worker at the hospital started searching for family members who could take me in, but it turns out that my mother was the only one listed on my birth certificate or my father who was listed wasn’t really my father or something like that. Either way, there were no blood relatives able to be found.

“I should have gone into foster care, but mystepbrother was somehow granted temporary custody to start. I’d only met him once before when he showed up to demand money from Frank. I think I was still in shock because I didn’t care who I went with at that point. I just wanted to get away from the police and doctors who kept looking at me like I was broken. I should have done more to stop Frank, but I didn’t. My mama was gone and nothing else really mattered to me.”

How do I get it through his head that it’s not his fault. What could one little boy do against a grown ass man? He wasn’t even supposed to be there.

As if he can read my thoughts, Shiloh looks up to meet my eyes and I get it now. Survivor’s guilt doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t follow rational thought. I should know. I suffer through it every day. It’s why I still won’t set foot in any ice barn.

“If you remind me, I’ll remind you,” I whisper in his ear before he can continue his story. Shiloh gives me a small nod and a smile in acknowledgment. The little shit already knows. Well, now I feel dumb…

“Living at Michael’s place wasn’t all that bad at first. He grabbed my clothes and stuff from the house where I grew up so I wouldn’t have to go back into that house. And his place was less than a block from the library which was nice. I spent a lot of time there with their after school programs and just reading to my heart’s content.”

He gets a sad look and ads, “I missed seeing Mr. Jones every day, though. So it was nice to see him again at your shop.”

I move my arm across his shoulders and meet Toby’seyes. He looks haunted like he knows what’s coming and it isn’t good.

“After a while, the social worker stopped showing up. I didn’t realize until years later that he had either fooled them or bribed them enough to give him full and permanent custody. Frank ended up dying in custody before he ever went to trial, so no one knew anything about Michael or that he was virtually a stranger to me.

“See, Frank loved me in his own way. One of my therapists over the last few years pointed it out to me. It wasn’t until people he deemed important made it clear that I couldn’t be Frank’s kid biologically that he began to change. He wanted a do-over on being a father, and the fact that I’m most definitely not white ruined his fantasy.”

Well, fuck. Shiloh seems to have a better understanding of his traumas than probably anyone I’ve ever met. Never in a million years would I be willing to try and understand Rafe or any of those other asshole rapists. I might have loved Rafe like a brother once upon a time, but fuck seeing the good in him after the monster was revealed.

“Apparently Michael thought the same as my therapist because he was constantly complaining to me that he didn’t understand how his father could love a … ya’ know… more than his own flesh and blood.”

“I know you hate that word,” Toby says as he moves his right hand to Shiloh’s knee and leans his head against my hand on his shoulder. I lift my hand to run my fingersthrough the pup’s hair. Shiloh swallows hard and nods before continuing.

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