Page 30 of Pet Project

“I can’t,” I whisper as I stare out the window. Jay turns down the music and glances at me while he fights to change lanes so we don’t get stuck going through the tunnel.

“What do you mean? Do you have work tonight or something?”

I shake my head before resting my forehead on the cool glass. The leaves have really decided to change colors over the last week or so and I guess it’s pretty, especially with the reflection in the river.

“Talk to me, pup. Why can’t you come out with us?” Jay demands in his Daddy voice. He doesn’t usually pull that out on us, so I to react to it without thinking.

“I can’t be a pup without my kitten,” I say as the first tear drips onto the door. “I’ve never been there without Shiloh, but he left me. He doesn’t need me anymore. What good am I if he doesn’t need me as his guard dog anymore?”

Jay drives along in silence for a little while until the gas light comes on and he decides to pull in for gas at the Sheetz instead of hitting up our usual spot for gas five minutes up the road. I try to let the heavy metal rile me up, but there’s nothing left inside of me.

“… not gonna work, Spencer! He won’t be able to reach pupspace. Not today… I understand they’re already there, but I can’t in good conscience… Fucker, he’s crying! The fucking thought of going in there brought him to tears!... I won’t… don’t you dare put him…HeyLucky…”

I don’t like Daddy Jay being angry. And just like everything else, it’s my fault. I sniffle and wipe at my eyes to try and push the sads back down again. It’s all because of what Doctor Monroe said today. She’s wrong, of course. I’m not missing my mother. I’m missing my best friend who doesn’t need me anymore.

“… okay little one… yes, I will… I’ll tell him… okay, Lucky. Put your Daddy back on the phone please… That was low even for you, ya fucking jagoff… Yeah, we’re coming.”

Jay puts the nozzle back and grabs his receipt before he gets back in the car. When we pull out onto the road, he glances at me with worry in his eyes.

“I tried to get you out of it, Pup, but Lucky has his heart set on everyone being there tonight. If you still want to ditch after seeing him, I’ll take you right home, I promise.”

Leaning my forehead back against the cool window, I sigh. This is my new normal, I guess. I need to get used to life without my Shiloh.

36

TOBY

“The guys already took your gear in,” Clarence tells me as the light turns green when he swipes my ID. “They didn’t want anyone to mess with it, so it’s in private room number three. Code for the door is your birthday, sweetie.”

I don’t know what my face is showing, but it’s obvious I’m not doing a very good job of hiding my feelings. I don’t want to be here without my kitten. My inner pup doesn’t want to play. He just wants to howl and whine and beg for his kitten to come back to him.

“Do you need help getting into your gear?” Jay asks when we reach the door for room three. “I know Shiloh usually helped, but I can help with the buckles and everything tonight.”

I can’t stop the whimper that escapes at the realization that I can’t even go full pup without help anymore. I mean, the jock and the plug tail I can do by myself… same with the pads and the leg straps. But if I’m by myself, I have to choose between the mits and the hood. It’s been over a year since I’ve been without either.

Looking up at Jay, I see the pity in his eyes. I’m pathetic…

“I got you, Toby,” he says softly as he opens the door to reveal my bag sitting on a couch. There’s a bead on the floor that looks a bit like the ones I helped Shiloh put in his hair and it sets off another whimper. As the door closes, Jay pulls me into his chest and the floodgates open.

“Let it all out, pup. Let it out.”

I don’t know how long I cried for, but Daddy Jay’s shirt is soaked through when I pull back and he hands me a water.

“Hydrate first, then get changed with what you can do yourself. I’ll be back once I grab my stuff from my lock box.”

Being alone in the changing room is heavier than anything else I’ve ever felt.

You’re afraid of losing people just like you lost your mother, Tobias.

Shut up, Doctor Monroe!

Yanking open the zipper on my bag of gear, I start pulling everything out only to realize I forgot to put a new bottle of lube in there after running out last time we were here. In the main changing area, there’s almost always someone there with lube in a pinch, but I’ve never been in a private room to see what they stock.

Fuck it. I’ll get everything else on and borrow some from Jay’s diaper bag when he gets back. He’s definitely an overly prepared Daddy.

I finish getting everything I can on and move my bag to the low table in front of the couch. Glancing around the room, it looks like it’s set up to be like a dorm or cheap apartment type of vibe. I can dig it in a way. I would definitely be more comfortable doing something in here compared to say the classroom set-up in room seven.

Jay is taking forever to grab his diaper bag, so I can only assume he came across a boy or girl needing his help. He might be homosexual, but he will be a Daddy to absolutely anybody who needs one. I really hope he can find his boy someday soon.

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