Page 39 of Drag Me Up

“That’s the whole point of this lineup,” Clarence insists. “We need to show that positivity.”

Rolling her eyes, Felicia turns to me. I see she understands what I’m talking about.

“We can’t just show the end result. We need to give them the visual of the darkness so they know they aren’t alone,” I tell him as I start searching for a song.

Felicia stops him from interrupting with a hand on his arm.

“Some of us are only starting to come out of the darkness, and I don’t want to be performing a lie anymore.”

I hit play and the songTwo Steps Awayby Heading North starts playing through the club. I let the song echo through the empty space while Felicia turns to me wide eyed. Tears fall from Clarence’s eyes as the chorus hits.

I’m always

Two steps away from

Feeling okay

It’s better this way,

I wanna like myself

Don’t ask for the stars

They’re too far away

I guess the dirt is okay

I wanna like myself

He pulls me into a fierce hug as the tears fall from his eyes. I let my friend sob into my shoulder as the lyrics wash over me. This song was probably the first time I’ve ever felt like someone out there understood that loving myself is impossible.

“I think this would be a good intro song,” I tell him when he pulls back. “They’re a local band. They’re queer. And we need to start to normalize that loving yourself might be too unattainable for a lot of people. We need to start with like.”

“Where did you hear that song?” Felicia asks as she adds it to the playlist for the new show in the intro position.

“It was playing at a restaurant I stopped at after a date.”

I don’t want to explain I heard it after getting a quickie in a dingy bathroom at a bar in Oakland. I’m still kind of afraid I traumatized the poor guy when I burst into tears while he was pulling up his pants. It’s kind of overwhelming the first time you feel like you’re not alone in your pain.

Clarence pats me on the back as he sits back in his chair. I feel pride bloom inside of me from that simple gesture. Staring at the back of his head, I realize that he has become my surrogate parental figure. He’s not only mydrag mother, he has protected me and supported me from the day we met. He’s been the bitch and the rules guy so that I could relieve some of the pressure.

How did I not see this sooner?

“Thank you,” I whisper in his ear as I throw my arms around his neck from behind to give him a hug. “Thank you for saving me.”

Patting my hands to release him, I ignore the sniffles he’s still trying to stifle as he says, “Alright, we have our intro. What about the rest?”

We spend the next three hours choosing songs. Clarence even agrees that this show is going to feature some of our kings as well as us queens. Drag is not an exclusive thing for only one gender. Drag is an expression that we want to share with the world. I’m surprised that I’m getting the feature for both the intro and the closer.

“Are you sure you want me as the closer before the finale? That’s Cleo’s spot.”

Clarence looks at me with a soft smile before he tells me, “Cleo is stepping down next month to be able to plan a wedding.”

Felicia and I both squeal in delight when he flashes the diamond ring on his left hand. It’s not that flashy, but it suits him. Cleo might be flashy, but Clarence is classy.

“Theo has shit taste in men, but he’s good at picking out jewelry,” I tease and dodge the subsequent swing at my head. We giggle and ogle the ring for a few minutes when it hits me.

“If Cleo is stepping back, who is going to be running the ship? I’m not listening to Fred or Malcolm. Hell; I barely listen to you.”

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