Page 16 of Soaring and Steadfast

Did someone hit you?

Did you hit them back – with a semi?

Not that I am condoning violence… but…

She smiled tearfully, feeling something open within her, unburdening her secrets, realizing it was easier to trust a stranger with her secrets than to tell someone she knew.

It was several years ago.

My ex and I had been married for a few months, and things had been getting progressively worse between us. We were fighting quite a bit.

I remember coming home one night after work, and I had forgotten to plug in the Crock Pot. Things blew up from there. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the emergency room – and I had lost my baby.

I was nearly five months along, and I will never forgive him for that.

Is miscommunication ever a reason?

Is a simple mistake ever the reason? Should anyone ever touch another person like that – or am I wrong? Because I feel like my entire life has been in the toilet for years now, and I keep waiting to get pulled under.

I’m so sorry.

Hang on while I type.

Lila sat there, feeling those raw memories, those bitter feelings, and the shame of some of the things she had done in an effort to self-destruct. It was like her heart and soul had told her brain that if you make things so much worse, then giving up on your marriage and the death of your child won’t hurt so badly. So she had gone off the deep end in an effort to drown those emotions. Drugs, alcohol, sex, everything you could think of— she tried, and nothing worked.

And her phone dinged again.

She read, swallowing the lump in her throat as she dashed away tears.

First of all – nobody should ever lay hands on a person they care for.

Secondly, I am so sorry you lost your baby and that you went through those moments, but it explains why you are so careful about names and locations, too.

I would never, ever harm you because you are my friend, and I treasure our text messages – but I understand so much more now.

If you never told me your name, it wouldn’t change what we have. I would trust you with my secrets, who I am, everything – and I’m honored you have trusted me with this knowledge.

I will not bring it up again, will not discuss it, and know that I will include you in my prayers every night so hopefully, you heal someday. You’ll see your baby again. He’s already with Jesus.

I know this.

I believe this.

All over a Crock Pot… I’m shocked and hurting so much for you.

This is NEVER okay.

Lila was sobbing at his words, feeling so many emotions tearing through her right now. Regret, frustration, despair… it all seemed to be bubbling to the surface. There was no explaining why her ex had chosen violence, and she was just glad that she had enough self-preservation to remove herself from the scene.

No, she was never allowing herself to sink into that abyss ever again.

I’m never going to drink again.

I’m never going to let some man control my life again…

I’m never going to fall in love ever again…

Her phone pinged once more.

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