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We talk about it. We prepare for it. We hear about it.

Because it happens.

Maybe that’s part of the thrill factor, and the reason I love this job so much. It’s dangerous. We live every day as if it’s the last because it very well could be. It’s an honor to be a lieutenant for the CFD. There’s nothing else I’d rather be.

Yet as much as we prepare for the possibility, when faced with the reality of death—all bets are off. There’s no way to predict how you’ll handle it.

I’m so grateful that Pauly pulled through. But now that I know what it’s like to experience such a close call. I’m terrified of the real thing. These men are my family. They’re closer to me than my biological family. I can’t lose them.

A body moves beside me, and I sigh.

I brought a beautiful woman home last night and had no desire to do anything with her. After a modest make-out session, I feigned exhaustion and pretended to sleep. I’ve officially crossed over into a world I don’t recognize. I’m off-kilter, lacking something that I can’t seem to find.

“Hey, Bethany…”Bridget? Bianca? It was a B. Wasn’t it?“Hey,beautiful, I have to go in to work,” I lie.

“Hmm,” she grumbles. “I can lock up for you.”

Standing from the bed, I switch on the light. “No, I’m going to need you to leave.”

“What?” She sits up, rubbing her eyes.

“You have to go. I’m late.”

She forces out an annoyed exhale and rolls out of bed. She slides into her heels and grabs her purse from the table. “Did I give you my number last night?”

“Yep. I got it.” I lead her toward the door.

“I don’t think I did.” She scrunches her face in thought.

“I’m pretty sure you did.” I open the door. “Look, I gotta go.”

She steps outside and raises her hand in a wave. “Okay, well…”

I swing the door closed and lock the deadbolt.

A dick move…maybe.

Do I care? No.

Heading into the bedroom, I pull the sheets off my bed. “Goodbye,Brittany?” I toss the sheets into the washing machine. In all honesty, her perfume smelled like it was from the dollar store.

I remake my bed with clean sheets from the linen closet and start a pot of coffee while I tidy up the rest of the place. I mindlessly scroll through my social media apps and drink a cup of coffee before hopping in the shower.

Deacon’s Sunday barbecue is tonight, but as it’s only just now nine in the morning, I have a while until then.

I may not be able to figure out my own life right now, but I can make my momma’s day.

* * *

“Oh my gosh!Sweet baby Jesus, my boy is in church!” My mother squeals with delight as I approach her and my sister in the pew.

Her joy is contagious, and I can’t help but smile. “I had some time.”

“You made your momma’s day, I’ll tell you that.” She squeezes my face, kissing each of my cheeks.

I lean in and give Jeannette a hug. “Hey, sis.”

“Hi.” She hugs me back. “Seriously, what’s the occasion. Have some sins to confess?” She smirks.

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