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I break out in a sob. “Boss doesn’t want to see me ever again!”

“Why?”

“Well, I got high yesterday when he was at the station. I think it was laced with something. I was out of control. I sent him crazy texts when he was at work, and when he got home, I was acting like a hot mess, and then ended up puking all night. He was so mad. He says he can’t be around me anymore.” I cry into my hands, the reality that I’ve lost Boss forever hurts deep.

“Come here.” She pulls back her covers and pats the mattress in front of her.

“I know I’m only here for two more days, but I was thinking maybe I could move here. I have nothing back home anyway, and Boss is the first non-loser I've been with in years. It gave me hope that I'm not destined to have a shitty life forever, but I screwed up, like I always do.” My voice is defeated because I am. I ruined it all.

“Where did you get the drugs, Lex?”

“One of his neighbors,” I sniff, wiping my tear-soaked face with the back of my hand.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Cam. I can’t figure out why I keep fucking up my life. I can’t stop making horrible decisions. I’m fucked up, completely fucked up.”

“We’re all a little fucked up, Lex.”

“You’re not.”

“You have no idea. I’ve been fucked up for a long time.” Her voice is quiet.

“Really? How do you fix it?”

“One day at a time. You need to start by laying off the drugs. They aren’t doing you any favors, sweetie.”

“I know. I'll try to stay clean when I go home.” I grab her hand from around my waist and squeeze.

I wish I knew why I sabotage everything good in my life. It’s a toxic trait that’s always ruled me. There’s no excuse for it, either. I shouldn’t be this way.

This past week has been incredible. I can’t remember the last time I’d felt so much pure joy. Maybe what I had with Boss wasn’t insta-love. The reality is, I don’t know what it feels like to truly love a man. I’ve never been in love. So yeah…maybe it wasn’t love. But it was insta-something—respect, adoration, attraction, and happiness. Boss made me insta-happy, and now he’s gone.

As fucked up as I am and as horrible as I can be, at least Cam—my only true friend—hasn’t turned me away. I annoy the crap out of her, but she continues to tolerate me.

“I love you, Cam.”

“I love you, too, Lex.”

CHAPTER9

BOSS

Some days hit differently, and today is one of them. Every day that I’ve stepped foot in this house for work over the past twelve years has brought me a sense of excitement and purpose. I love this job and everything about it. A cloud of regret surrounds me today. I need to figure out how to clear it away.

It’s hard to wrap my mind around my feelings this morning. I’m pissed, for sure, but it’s more than that. Disappointed? Hurt? Fuck…maybe a little sad.

A week does not a relationship make, yet that’s what if felt like with Lexi. She was mine.

She wasn’t just a hookup. I have those on a regular basis, and I never share my past with them or call off work to be with them. Lexi was different. I felt it, a future. Didn’t I?

She wasn’t just sex, she was…more. She made me feel things that no one else has.

I suppose I feel duped, idiotic. How could I fall for someone I clearly didn’t know?

The girl I thought I knew was something incredible, and I’m going to miss her. It’s a damn shame that she doesn’t really exist.

I stare into my half-full coffee cup, while Pauly and Deacon yammer on about Campbell, and the date he won over Trivial Pursuit. I may be a selfish prick for saying so, but I couldn’t give two shits about Deacon and Cam. She is my connection to Lexi, and therefore, I don’t want to hear her name.

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