Page 78 of Finding London

“What happened with this other guy?” I say slowly, my words measured.

“Oh, nothing. I couldn’t. Even shitfaced and brokenhearted, I just wanted you. I didn’t kiss him. I think we danced. Or I might have just been standing there, and the room was moving. I can’t be certain.” She sniffs and wipes her eyes on the sheet.

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the wooden headboard. She was hurt and confused. I can’t be mad, but, God, I’m so furious. She almost kissed some other guy, which would have most likely led to more. Okay,almostis a stretch, but she thought about it…and that’s bad enough.

I’m trying to compose my thoughts when she jumps up and runs to the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back,” she says with extreme cheerfulness.

I hear the buzz of her toothbrush.

Despite my confused state, I can’t help but smile. She has a thing about morning breath. So, the fact that she’s in there, brushing, means that all is forgiven on her end, and she’s ready to make up. Normally, I would be all about it, but I’m having a hard time getting over the reality that she just admitted that she had gone out with the intention of hooking up with someone else less than an hour after I supposedly cheated on her. It doesn’t sit well with me or help my never-ending trust issues.

I understand why she did it and what she must have been going through. Logically, I can rationalize her confession. But, deep down, where my dark issues lie, I’m having a hard time, an extremely difficult time, letting it go. I don’t want to fight with her. I definitely want intense, sweaty make-up sex, but I wish she had kept that confession to herself.

She comes bouncing out of the bathroom without a care in the world. She’s so gorgeous. She jumps onto the bed and straddles me. “I can’t believe you put me in these granny panties. I only wear these when Aunt Flo comes to town. I’m a little embarrassed.”

I want to tell her that I find them extremely sexy on her, but before I get a chance, her hands take my face between them, and she slides her lips across mine. She holds my face and bites my bottom lip before pulling it into her mouth.

And with that, I’m completely ready for her. I’m ready to forget about the past twenty-four hours and fuck her so hard that neither of us will remember that we were fighting in the first place, let alone why.

But I can’t.

I pull my mouth from hers. “London?”

“Yeah?” she says sweetly. Her lips burn a trail down my neck.

Blood pumps through my body at rapid speeds, fueling me with nothing but want and pure desire.

Focus.

“London,” I breathe heavily. “I need to say something.”

“Mmhmm…” she responds as her lips move down my chest.

“London, take your lips off of me.”

She complies with a sexy grin. “But I like my lips on you.”

“I do, too.” I smile. “But, listen, I need to say something, and I can’t concentrate with your lips doing that, okay?”

She nods.

“I understand what you must have been going through last night after you saw me with Maggie. But we are going to have other misunderstandings along the way, and it doesn’t sit well with me that the first thing you wanted to do was hook up with someone else.”

She opens her mouth to protest, but I put my finger on her lips.

“Let me finish. I know you didn’t want to make out with someone else, but you thought about it. You know I have major trust issues. You know that this is all very new to me, but I promised you that I would try. I can’t risk giving you my heart if I know that, at the first sign of trouble, you’re going to destroy me with your actions. I can somewhat understand your reasons for wanting revenge, but I can’t stomach it. The thought of you with someone else makes me sick. It sets fire to the part of me that can’t trust others, the part that puts up walls. I don’t give power to those who might hurt me. I can never be in a real relationship with you if I build walls. You and I both know that. I can’t love you if I don’t let you in, but I’m so afraid to let you in. You have the power to destroy me, London.”

She does. With a few words, she could leave me in ruins, like an ancient city that can never be rebuilt.

“Oh, Loïc,” she says on a whisper. Her eyes glisten with fresh tears. She holds my face between her hands and peppers soft kisses across the skin on my face, paying extra attention to my lips. She pulls back and captures me with her brown eyes. The gold specks that weave through her irises shine brighter through her tears.

She continues to cradle my face as she speaks, “So, we’ve established that I have another flaw, another one of many.” She laughs lightly. “I will work on my communication. I promise you that, no matter how dire the circumstance or how awful it appears on my end, I will talk with you before I jump to conclusions. I promise you this, Loïc,” she says the last sentence with so much conviction that I believe it.

“You have to know that I would never cheat on you,” she continues. “Even when I was certain that you were screwing someone else and that I would never have you again…I couldn’t. At my lowest point, with my heart completely shattered, I couldn’t be with someone other than you. You have to believe me.”

I nod because I do.

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