Page 66 of Finding London

Loïc

“Slowly, I’m changing into the man I want to be—one who can love London, truly love her, the way she deserves.”

— Loïc Berkeley

It’s been a month since I finally decided to stop running from this connection I have with London. We haven’t said the words out loud—perhaps because of my issues—but whether or not we verbally acknowledge it, I have a girlfriend.

Another first.

I guess for London and me,No more running, is equivalent to,So, this means we’re exclusive. At least if I’m going to change into this person I barely recognize—this happy, open, loving sap—I can do it unconventionally and hold on to some of my autonomy.

The past month has been extremely difficult—at least for me. I’ve tried to keep the darkness away from London as I figure out my new normal. I text and call when I say I will, and I show up for our dates. And, at least as far as she can tell, I’ve stopped freaking out.

But nighttime—when my dreams come and the internal battles rage more than I would like—is hard. I’m a survivor. My body knows how to protect itself. It’s instinctual.

This thing I have with London, although amazing, is going against everything that I am, that I’ve been forced to make myself be.

I know. I’m pathetic. I want to kick my own ass.

Poor Loïc has to date the girl of his dreams. It must be rough.

Logically, I know that London is the clear, sane choice. I wish I had control over my dreams—or more often than not, nightmares. It would be nice to shut out all my insecurities and self-defenses. If I were able, I would ignore them and solely focus on London and howrightthe world is when we’re together.

Essentially, I’m reprogramming my entire being into the person I want to be. The mind is a powerful force. My thoughts, my brain, have saved me throughout my entire life. In doing so, I was made into this person who put up walls to protect himself from loss, someone who didn’t trust, didn’t take chances, and rarely loved. I know I can change. I am changing. It just takes time.

Thankfully, London is patient. I don’t share my struggles with her, but I think she knows anyway. She’s like Cooper in that way. She just gets me. It doesn’t matter what I need—time, patience, reassurance, love. She gives it to me without me having to ask. Thank God because I would never ask.

Slowly, I’m changing into the man I want to be—one who can love London, truly love her, the way she deserves. I know I’ll get there.

“Dude”—Cooper comes barreling into my room—“Maggie and I are thinking about going paddleboarding. Want to come?”

A smile comes to my face as I imagine London standing on a paddleboard. I wonder if she could balance for an entire minute.

“Oh, I would, man. I’d love to see London paddleboard. She’s hilarious when she tries to do stuff like that, but we have plans already. I’m taking her to Lake Michigan for a ‘relaxing’ beach day.” I do the air quotes with my fingers, and I can hear London’s cute little whine in my mind.

“So, she hasn’t found your love for outdoor activities yet?”

“Hardly,” I say with a laugh. “She’s more of an indoor type of girl.”

“Right—so, like, completely opposite of you.”

I shrug. “You know what they say…opposites attract or some shit.”

“She does know that Loïc Berkeley doesn’t just lie at the beach and sunbathe while eating bonbons, right?”

“She will,” I answer smugly.

“You packing the boogie boards?”

“Already loaded,” I say with a grin. I throw a few towels into my bag and zip it up.

“I kinda wish we were going with you two. I like London. Plus, Maggie still needs to meet her.”

“You’re welcome to come,” I offer as I head toward the bedroom door.

“Nah, not today, but thanks. Maggie has plans with some friends this afternoon.”

“Next time.”

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