Page 59 of Finding London

His confession causes a torrent of goose bumps to explode over my body.

We stand this way, wrapped in each other’s arms, for a long time. I think we’re both afraid to let go. I haven’t been this content in a week, and I’m terrified for it to end. I’m scared to death that something will trigger him to leave me again.

Eventually, he leans his head back, so our eyes meet. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Right,” I say sarcastically.

“No, you are, London. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

His eyes hold a sincerity that makes my stomach flutter.

I lean my face against his chest. “So far, you’re doing a good job in pleading your case.”

His chest vibrates beneath my face with laughter. “Good.”

“Come on, let’s go to my room,” I suggest as I take a step back from him, my body immediately regretting the absence of his warmth.

“Your room?”

“To talk,” I clarify.

He laughs. “Okay. I thought you’d forgiven me awfully quick.”

I grab his hand, entwining my fingers with his, and I lead him the short distance to my bedroom. “I’ve already forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk.”

I sit, cross-legged, on my bed. Loïc takes off his shoes and sits across from me.

“So?” I say as a lame attempt to get the conversation going.

“Right.” Loïc sighs, obviously uncomfortable. “I guess it’s probably best for me to tell you everything from the beginning. I don’t know how else to explain my issues, but I think it’s important that you understand them. I need you to know all of it, so you can decide if you want to take the risk and be with me.”

I open my mouth to protest, but he raises his hand to halt me.

“Listen, London, truthfully, I don’t know if it’s in your best interests to be with me. I’ve tried to end it with you multiple times now because of that, but for some reason, I can’t stay away from you. You should know all the details though, and you have to take it all in. You have to listen carefully when I tell you that I’m damaged. I’m broken, maybe irrevocably, and I don’t want to drag you down with me. You need to hear me, so you can decide what’s best for you.”

He looks so serious. Incredible apprehension hides in his expression. I want to tell him that it doesn’t matter what he says. Nothing will change my mind. But I think he needs this. Maybe if he confesses his demons and I choose him anyway, he’ll stop running.

“Okay, tell me everything,” I encourage.

He starts from when he was discovered at the entrance of a fire station. He talks of his parents and grandparents. He runs through every foster home he lived in and the horrors of each one. I have to stop myself from reaching out to hold him as he tells me about his grandparents and how he kept waiting for them to rescue him, but they never did. He tells me about the moment when he was fifteen and he’d had enough, so he ran away with Sarah. Then, he tells me about being homeless with Sarah for over two years and how he lost her. After Sarah’s death, he turned himself into the foster-care system, so he could obtain the proper paperwork he needed to get an ID. Then, he got his GED, and the day he turned eighteen, he joined the Army.

His account is so sad, so incredibly depressing, that it’s hard to fathom that it is real. But looking at his hollow eyes as he recounts the nightmare of his life, I know it is very real.

I understand why Loïc has commitment issues. He’s lost everyone he’s ever loved. I also see the fear residing within him. At twenty-five, he is this strong, masculine force to be reckoned with, but behind the tough exterior, he is a little boy who is afraid of having his heart broken.

Over the past hour, Loïc has told me his entire life’s tale—or at least all the ugly highlights. I’ve listened attentively, and I’ve made a conscious effort not to interrupt him, to let him talk. Just from the little that I know of him, I realize how much courage it took for him to open up like that.

Some of the details I already knew, but most of them were new to me.

He finishes and expectantly looks at me.

I grab his hands in mine. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. It breaks my heart. I understand why you’re hesitant to continue this thing that we have. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will bring, Loïc. I can’t promise you that we’ll be forever. But I can tell you that I’m more attracted to you than I have been to anyone else in my life. I’m crazy about you, about all of you. I want this to work between us. I want it to be forever, but the only way we’re going to know if it’s real is if we try. The unknown is always scary, but if we end up making it for the long haul, I know it will be worth it.”

“I’m going to hurt you, London. I feel it. A lifetime of issues can’t be fixed overnight. I’m my own worst enemy, and I’m going to ruin you.” His voice breaks. The despair that resonates from him is tangible.

“I don’t care,” I say simply. “You very well might. Yes, there’s a chance that we won’t make it, and my heart will be broken. But, Loïc, there’s also a chance that we will. You’re worth the risk.”

“London…” he pleads.

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