Page 82 of Taming Georgia

When I wake, I’ll let her go.

24

“The downfall about constantly moving is not knowing how to be still.”—Georgia Wright

“Wyatt?” I say his name again, softly so as not to wake up Ethel.

He stirs, and for a moment, I think he’s going to wake up, but he doesn’t. A faint smile crosses his tired face, and I wonder what he’s thinking about.

The image of the two of them in this room, passed out from exhaustion, is enough to break my heart, and the guilt that already consumes me is so great now that I’m not sure how I’ll ever recover from it.

I left him. He begged me not to, and I left anyway.

Now, he’s here at Ethel’s side, and God knows what they’ve been through. The nurse wouldn’t give me details since she couldn’t verify that I was family—as I told her I was—but the fact that they’re here in the ICU indicates that whatever is going on, it’s not good.

Remorse is a hard one to swallow because had I chosen differently—had I chosen Wyatt—this reality would have been altered. Maybe Ethel would’ve still gone through what she has, but I would’ve been here, loving them both. Instead, Wyatt’s alone. He should never be alone.

I confessed my love to him, and then I abandoned him under the pretense of human rights. Yes, there are people in Mexico who need help. There are people all over the world in need. But Wyatt’s right; there are people here in this city who need help, too.

I left because I was scared.

The downfall about constantly moving is not knowing how to be still. I’ve built more connections over the past four months than I have in my whole life. I’ve never felt more attached to a place than I do here. And truth be told, it freaks me out.

I felt trapped, like I was suffocating. In actuality, nothing was caging me in but my own mind. I’ve never had to work through these feelings because I’ve never been in a location long enough to have them.

I have more to lose here than anywhere else in the world, and when the anxiety in my mind became too loud and fight-or-flight kicked in, I fled because I couldn’t risk losing the fight. Choosing to leave behind the one I love is somehow easier to swallow than the chance that he’ll leave me.

He gave me no indication that he had any thoughts of ending things between us, but I loved him too much to find out. I don’t have the coping mechanisms for loss. It’s ironic really—the girl who’s been given everything doesn’t have the strength to gamble on the unknown. Money can buy a lot of things, but clearly, security isn’t one of them. Love is always a gamble, and I’ve finally realized that I’m never going to truly experience it unless I open myself up to heartbreak.

Wyatt shifts in his seat and briefly opens his eyes before bolting up out of the chair.

“What are you doing here?” he whispers. The animosity in his voice causes me to take a step back.

“I came back. I wanted to see you,” I say sheepishly.

“Leave. I don’t want to see you,” he snaps.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I…”

He takes a hastened step toward me and grabs my arm, leading me out of the room. “Go,” he warns.

Tears fill my eyes. “Wyatt! Let me explain, please.”

His stare leaves me to look back at Ethel, and when it returns to me, it narrows. “Be quiet. She needs her sleep, and I need you to leave. I have no interest in talking to you. You made your choice. Now, go.” He shoos me away with his hands. “Go back to Mexico, China, Russia, Australia, Brazil, or any other place you choose. Just don’t stay here.”

He walks back into Ethel’s room, his footsteps heavy. I watch him as he sits down beside her and adjusts her blanket so that she’s completely covered. Tears cascade down my face, and I stand out in the hall, looking in. He told me to go, but my feet won’t move. They can’t move. Two of my favorite people are in this hospital room, and I can’t force myself to leave them.

He’s right to be angry. I was a coward. He’d been abandoned and alone for most of his life, and then I did it to him again. I would hate me, too. I don’t deserve his love, but I want it. I fight for others all the time. It’s as natural to me as breathing. Yet when it comes to standing up for myself, I falter every time but not today.

I’m choosing to fight.

I’m choosing Wyatt.

I’m choosing uncertainty because the most important things in life are never guaranteed. He’s here now, and I love him. If I lose him at some point in the future, at least I will know what it was like to have him in the first place.

“I’m not leaving,” I say into the room, my voice shaky. “I’m not leaving you again.”

I watch as Wyatt’s shoulders sag, and he runs his fingers through his hair, but he doesn’t turn around to face me. He stays focused on Ethel, who’s still sound asleep.

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