Page 36 of Eternally London

“Oh my God, Paige.” I shake my head.

“Remember I told you about that wacko at work, Cecilia?” Paige asks, immediately jumping into another story.

I nod. “Yes, I know Crazy Cecilia well.”

“Did I tell you the story involving her and pickles?”

“Uh, no.” I chuckle.

“Oh my gosh…you guys are going to love this one.”

Paige launches into another dramatic story. I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed this hard, and it’s amazing and so very needed.

The best of friends are the ones who make your side ache from laughter and your face hurt from smiling.

I love these girls. They’re all my sisters—a chosen family. And my heart chose well. I stop to take in this moment. Four beautiful, intelligent women chatting about life, love, letdowns, wants, needs, raccoons, pickles, and sex. My face hurts, and my heart’s happy—the perfect combination.

I think about last night. My family. My friends. My husband. There’s been such goodness within these walls that I call home in just the past twenty-four hours. So much that it’s almost impossible to soak it all in.

In just the past day, there’s been a lot to be grateful for. The abundance of light has been so bright that it’s driven out the darkness within me. Love truly is remarkable.

My flawed heart breaks a little more each month, and sometimes, I feel like it’ll completely crumble until I have nothing left. And then I have days like this to remind me that I will never be left with nothing. I have so much goodness in my life.

So much.

Loïc

“Sometimes, the only thing to do when one’s heart is completely shattered is to simply pretend it’s not.”

—Loïc Berkeley

London releases a shrill scream as the raft takes a deep dip, and water splashes up, soaking everyone in the boat. She’s riding the bull, which in whitewater rafting terms means she’s sitting on the front of the raft, first to take in the turbulence of the river. I laugh out loud, thinking about her retelling this story. I’d bet money that she calls that dip back there a waterfall in the recap later.

London never ceases to disappoint when she’s participating in an outdoor activity. I have to give it to her; I know she’s still not the biggest outdoorsy girl there is, but she tries. For me, she tries. Part of the reason we made our forever home here in the Smoky Mountains is because of the endless outdoor activities during all four seasons.

Whitewater rafting in this part of the Upper Pigeon River is our favorite. It’s class III and IV—plenty of excitement, but not too dangerous for my girl up there.

After we’re out of the choppy rapids, we take a detour to a scenic alcove where there’s flat, shallow water. I help the guide pull the raft onto shore. Later in the summer, this would be a perfect spot to take a swim. But the water in May is still a little too cold for swimming, so instead, we all break off to a nice sitting spot next to the river to take in the beautiful view of the mountains around us.

We take a seat in a small grassy area in front of a large boulder.

London hands me a protein bar and a water from her backpack. “Did you see that waterfall back there?” Her voice is full of astonishment. “I can’t believe I was able to stay on!”

I grin wide. “Yeah, you were pretty awesome.”

Her cheeks are flushed red from the wind and sprays of the river. Small pieces of hair have come out of her high ponytail. She wears no makeup, and I don’t think she’s ever been more beautiful.

I listen as she retells the story of her courageous journey down the rapids. She’s so excited, and she’s so damn cute. Seeing her like this makes me incredibly happy, considering the news we received a few days ago. Recent events were what prompted me to schedule this outing, and I’m relieved that I got the outcome I desired.

The past year has been rough, but nothing has been more devastating than receiving the news that none of the eggs implanted into London took. This round of in vitro fertilization didn’t work. I think London and I’d both thought that this process would guarantee us at least one baby, maybe two. It didn’t though. Instead, it left London with an empty uterus and a broken heart. My soul aches because I can’t fix it. I can’t make it right.

London continues, “And then, when we had to go around that giant rock really quickly so that we wouldn’t hit it, I totally slipped. I thought I was going in for sure that time.”

“Yeah, you were fierce out there,” I agree.

“I was, right?” She grins, and my heart swells with love for her.

I know that she’s thinking about the baby that isn’t growing inside her. She knows that I’m thinking about the baby that isn’t growing inside her. But we each pretend for the other that we’re not. Instead, we smile and laugh and talk of the rapids. We eat our snacks and sneak small kisses in between our conversation until the rafting instructor tells us it’s time to go. Sometimes, the only thing to do when one’s heart is completely shattered is to simply pretend it’s not.

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