Page 6 of Loving London

“Dude, this meatloaf is on point,” Dixon utters through a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, you seem to be thoroughly enjoying it,” I state as I lower my gaze to my sub.

“So, how’s life, my man? Any news to report?” Dixon asks happily.

“You know I don’t have a life.”

“Have you spoken with anyone from home?” he inquires casually.

“Come on, Dick. Is lunch going to be a therapy session? Because, if it is, I think I’ll pass.”

Dixon shrugs his shoulder. “I’m just making small talk.”

“Riiight,” I say sarcastically, drawing out the word.

“You’re heading home in a couple of weeks. I was just wondering if you’d had a chance to let anyone back home know.”

“You haven’t talked to Benjamin by any chance, have you?” I accuse.

My therapist, Dr. Benjamin, has been trying to get me to call home for a month now but to no avail. I know I should. I realize that I have to face that part of my life. But I just feel so mentally and physically broken and hopeless. I haven’t been able to find the courage to make a call, let alone check my email.

“Why would you say that?” Dixon asks innocently.

I exhale. “Don’t fuck with me, Dick.”

Dixon holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. I might have spoken with Benjamin. He’s worried about you, Berk. Frankly, I am, too. If you think you’re in a dark place here, wait till you get home. It’s worse. The mental shit that comes with PTSD is no joke. That shit can drag you down. Do you know how many brothers’ funerals I’ve attended because they couldn’t take it in the real world?”

Dixon’s eyes widen with a sadness that pounds me in the gut, almost knocking the wind out of me. He’s never been this serious with me, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit of a reality check.

“I get that you don’t like to let people in. You’d prefer to handle everything on your own. But, Berk, man…you need someone, even just one person. I’m telling you, there might be a time when the darkness is too great. It will try to suck you down, to annihilate you. It’s crucial that you have someone to help you up when you’re too weak to care. I’ve seen it. This beast has beaten even the strongest of men. You are not immune. And…fuck it. I refuse to attend your funeral, Berkeley. Do you hear me?”

Dixon’s words steal my breath, like a bucket of ice water being dumped over my bare skin. His speech, in the corner of this hospital cafeteria, falls somewhere between a scolding and a plea, and it’s completely sobering.

“All right, I got it.”

“Do you?” he questions with an accusing stare.

I nod. “I do. I’ll figure it out, okay?”

“Okay.” He seems relieved. “Also, when you’re home, you’ll need to keep up with your doctor appointments, PT, therapy, and your medications. Don’t let anything falter because, sometimes, it’s impossible to get back.”

“I. Got. It.” I pin him with a warning stare.

“You’d better,” he scoffs. “I’m not going to be there to coax you through your exercises.”

I know this is his way of lightening the mood because, if anything, he’s had to urge me to hold back during physical therapy.

“I know. How will I ever kick a ball without you?”

“Exactly my point,” he huffs out.

“It will be rough, but I’ll find a way,” I kid with an exaggerated sigh.

He grins. “I know you will. You’re a fighter, man.”

Two hours later, I find myself sitting in the cramped computer lab. My hand physically shakes as I type in my Gmail username and password. My heart is thrumming wildly in my chest, and I’m terrified to open my email. Ignoring my life back home has been a coward move, I admit. But the past two months since that grenade took my best friend have been a sort of hell. The first month, I had to fight to hold on to my sanity. The past thirty days, I’ve immersed myself into healing my physical form so that I wouldn’t have to confront the rest.

Honestly, it’s much easier to learn to walk with a metal leg than it is to face internal demons. In a battle of strength, a weak mind loses every time. I don’t need Dr. Benjamin or anyone else pyschoanalyzing me. I know, inside—where it matters the most—I’m broken.

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