Page 19 of Loving London

“Oh, I do, José. Thank you so much.” I start drinking the cold mango-flavored goodness before José turns to leave.

As I finish my drink, Paige catches me up on her life, which basically consists of work. I’m so proud of my best friend. She has gotten several promotions at her job since she’s been there. We’ve both changed so much in this past year. Last May, our biggest worry was what color nail polish we were going to choose for our mani-pedis.

And, now…

I glance down to my phone and take in the date. I will never forget this date for as long as I live. A year ago today, I was rubbing my bikini-clad body all over a dirty truck in hopes of gaining the attention of a beautiful boy with eyes like the ocean.

And, now…

I feel like I’m drowning in that ocean, unable to escape his depths.

“Paige, can we go?” I say abruptly, interrupting her latest story.

“Um, sure.” She reaches for her purse and pulls out her car keys. “Go wait in the car. I’ll pay the bill and be out, okay?”

I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”

I bolt out of the booth and head toward the exit. Sometimes, when I’m thinking about Loïc, it all becomes too much, and I physically can’t breathe. It feels like the walls are closing in on me, and I’m suffocating. I hate it. I despise my inability to stop it, but when it hits…it just decimates me.

I lean against Paige’s car. The warm spring wind feels good against my skin. The tears come, streaming down my face. I am powerless to stop them.

When the pain becomes too much to bear, the crying ensues. It’s a part of my life now. To be honest, it feels good to cry. It sounds silly, but sometimes, I feel like the tears carry some of the anguish away. It’s my body’s self-preservation technique.

It just hurts so much. Every second of every day, it hurts.

I miss him, and truthfully, I don’t know where to go from here. I hardly know who I am anymore. I’m certainly no longer the girl I was a year ago, before I met Loïc. When one has experienced what it means to love someone with everything they are, they can no longer go back to who they were before.

Since I’ve experienced true, real, unadulterated love, the things that used to give my life meaning seem insignificant now. I’ve come to realize how shallow my life truly was. On the outside, I’m sure I looked like a girl who had it all. At the time, I thought I did, too. All of it was just a facade though.

The reality is, love is everything. It’s the only thing.

Without it, I’m simply empty. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

I realize that I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through heartache. I know that people move on from it all the time. I just don’t know how.

Yet…there’s a voice. It’s small and quiet, but it’s there. And it’s telling me that I need a change. I can’t expect to feel whole, to be happy again, if I continue doing what I’m currently doing.

Loïc has been in Michigan for several weeks. It’s been a solid two weeks since that fateful phone call, yet I’m standing here, in the midst of my grief, the same as I’ve been since he told me to let him go. Nothing is changing, and I have a feeling it won’t until I do.

Paige’s face falls when she sees my tear-stained cheeks. “Oh, London.” She pulls me into a hug.

I hold her tight, allowing her unconditional love to fold me in its warmth for a moment.

After a few breaths, I pull back. “Can we drive past his house? Please?”

“London,” Paige protests, carrying a tone of warning.

“I know, but I justneedto.Please.We won’t stop. We’re in your car, so even if he’s outside, he probably won’t notice. I need to…just this once. I realize it’s probably not going to help anything, but I feel like I have to see a part of him, even his house, one more time.” I tightly grasp Paige’s arms.

She sighs loudly, and I know I’ve won.

“Okay, but just this one time,” she says like a scolding parent.

“Thank you.” I smile.

“Get in the car,” she states with zero enthusiasm.

When we’re both buckled up, Paige pulls out of the parking lot and heads in the direction of Loïc’s house. “I can’t believe I agreed to this.”

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