Page 13 of Loving London

“Do you think he lives in Orlando?”

She shrugs. “Maybe, but Orlando’s a pretty big place. Plus, it gets tons of tourists every day, so he could be from anywhere really. What am I going to do? Put out an ad that states,Wanted: A man who banged a blonde chick that he met at a bar in Orlando in November?”

“So, he never told you his name?”

“I’m sure he did. I just don’t remember. I didn’t think twice about him until I found out I was pregnant and did the math. But, by that time, I couldn’t recall any of the details.”

“Huh,” I say for lack of anything better.

“Yeah.” Sarah chuckles. “It’s fine. So, anyway, it’s a boy, and he’s due in August. I’m a little over six months along now.”

“Wow, you’re going to be a mom.” Though I’ve been in the presence of her belly for a few minutes now, it’s still surreal to think about.

“I know. It’s insane. I still can’t believe it. It’s like I won’t truly be able to grasp it until I’m holding him in my arms. I’m hoping that I can stay once the baby’s born?”

“Of course. You know you’re always welcome here. I was just a little shocked to see you earlier, is all.”

“Great!” She claps her hands together. “I think it’s going to be wonderful with the three of us living here. We’ll be like a family.”

“Yeah.” I nod. A mere ten minutes ago, I was living alone, and now, I’ve got a family. I’m not sure how to feel about it all just yet, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I would never turn Sarah away. “I suppose it’ll be cool, being Uncle Loïc.” Yet, even as I say it, the thought of being responsible for another life sends a wave of panic through me so fierce that I can barely breathe.

There’s a knock at the door, and Sarah jumps up to go get the pizza.

“It’s going to be awesome!” she calls back over her shoulder.

Closing my eyes, I focus on my breathing and try to calm my anxiety, so I won’t go into a full-blown panic attack. When Sarah returns with the food, I manage to smile at her through the ache in my chest.

“So, I was thinking that I’d take Maggie and Cooper’s room, and the baby can have the spare room since it’s the smallest. Is that okay?” she asks as she dishes up our plates.

“It’s fine.”

Truthfully, I don’t like the idea of Sarah staying in Cooper’s old room, but it’s not like I’m going to go in there. It doesn’t make sense to leave it empty when there’s a need for it. Yet it just hurts to think about.

“This is so great, Loïc. Everything’s going to be wonderful. It’s like we were always meant to be a family, you know?”

No, I don’t know. But I don’t know much of anything right now.

Loïc

“London’s gone. That thought is as equally depressing as it is satisfying, but truthfully, all I can feel is relief.”

—Loïc Berkeley

Look at me. I’ve been lying on this couch for five, maybe six hours. Is this what my life has come to?Jeopardy!plays on the TV before me, but I haven’t listened to a word of it.I’ll take Life of a Disabled Veteran for $300, Alex.

Not even the sight of Alex Trebek, who will always remind me of sweet Mrs. Peters, brings a sliver of joy to my current situation. Mrs. Peters was a kind old lady who made the best cookies. I stayed with her for a brief time when I was a teen. She was the best placement I had growing up, and what I remember most about her—besides her cookies—was her love for Alex Trebek.

Yet the warm nostalgic feelings toward Mrs. Peters aren’t returning.

I’ve been back a week, and my life has been nothing but a black hole of emptiness, even with Sarah frolicking around in a constant state of happiness.

Sarah has been gone for the afternoon, looking for jobs. It’s nice to have the place to myself for a while. I love Sarah, I do, but having her here is exhausting. She constantly wants to talk, and if I don’t respond with something, she starts getting worried and suggests we go see my doctor at the VA hospital.

No, thank you.

I had two months oftherapy, and it was sufficient to last a lifetime. I’m just in a funk. It will pass. Of course I’m going to have an adjustment period as I transition to my new normal. I’ll be fine.

There’s a knock on the front door. I ignore it. Sarah has a key, so I know it’s not her, and I don’t want to talk to anyone else. Another knock sounds, followed by the sound of a key turning in the lock.

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