Page 75 of Keeping London (Flawed Heart)

That knowledge carries so much sadness but also an equal amount of guilt. I think back to Maggie’s phone call, and though I only felt it for less than a second, I can’t pretend that I didn’t feel relief when she said Cooper’s name and not Loïc’s. I’m an awful person. God, I’m so ashamed to admit it. I wish more than anything that Cooper were still alive, gracing the world with his warm smile and witty personality.

But, at the same time, I’m unable to ignore the immense relief I feel that Loïc’s alive. It’s not like I’m glad it was Cooper and not Loïc. That’s not it at all. I wish it didn’t have to be either of them. I wish more than anything that Maggie didn’t have to be going through such pain.

My face feels stiff, the tears that dried on my skin making it feel taut. Tears no longer fall as I sit at my desk, motionless and in shock.

How could this have happened? How could this possibly be real?

As much as my heart hurts for Maggie, it breaks for Loïc.What is this loss going to do to him? Was he there? God, I hope not.

Loïc has lost so much, and now, he’s lost his best friend. This is going to tear him apart. I think to the Loïc that I first met back in May with his closed-off, tough-asshole exterior meant to scare away anyone who wanted to get too close.Will he go back to that place? Is he going to try to shut me out?

No.I shake my head.

We’ve come too far. He isn’t that person anymore. Sure, he’ll be devastated, but we’ll get through it together. We can get through anything as long as we’re together.

I hate that I can’t call him.

Maybe he’ll be online.I open my laptop, but my hopes fall when I see the little circle next to his name is a sad gray and not the bright green I was praying to see.

An email will have to do.

To: Loïc Berkeley

From: London Wright

Subject: I’m so sorry.

Loïc,

I just heard about Cooper. I don’t know what else to say besides I’m so, so very sorry. I wish I had something to say to make this better, but I know nothing will. I wish more than anything that it hadn’t happened. I wish that you didn’t have to go through the pain that I know you are feeling. I wish you were here right now, so I could hold you.

I love you, Loïc. We are going to get through this. You are going to get through this.

Please write when you can. I hate that I can’t be with you right now.

Are they going to let you come home for the funeral?

I’m sorry. I wish I had something better to say that would help you, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that, as horrible as this is…we will get through it, Loïc. It won’t always hurt this much.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I’m so very sorry.

Love,

London

Loïc

London

To: Loïc Berkeley

From: London Wright

Subject: Please call me.

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