Page 88 of Keeping London (Flawed Heart)

“The baby’s kicking. Do you want to feel him?” she asks excitedly, bending to grab my hand before I’ve answered.

She places my open palm against her belly, and the two of us wait in silence. After a few beats, he kicks.

“Did you feel it?” she shrieks.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Isn’t that awesome? He’s so strong.”

I nod. “He is.”

“We need to talk more about the names. Have you thought of any good ones?”

“I told you, Sarah, that’s your call. Name him whatever you want.”

“But I want your help,” she whines.

“Well, I can’t think of any.”

“We should go somewhere today,” she says, changing the subject. “Where do you want to go? It’s so gorgeous out!” she exclaims brightly, holding her face up to the sun.

“I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

She plops down in the grass beside me. “Tell me a story of London, of your nan and granddad.”

“Not today.”

She continues, as if she didn’t hear me, “Remember how many stories you used to tell me of your childhood? You had so many. Do you still remember them all? Or we could play I Spy. We used to play that game all the time. I think your game and stories single-handedly stopped us from going crazy of boredom every night.” She laughs to herself. More quietly, she adds, “It’s weird that I had some of the best times of my life when I was homeless with you, you know?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Look at us now. We’ve come a long way since those days.” Sighing happily, she asks, “Can I get you anything? A sandwich? A glass of lemonade? I just made some.”

“Okay, a lemonade.”

“Great,” she says, standing. She squats down and smooths my hair away from my forehead before planting a quick kiss there. “You know, we’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, Loïc. I will never leave you. I will always be here for you.”

“I know.” I nod.

She smiles before standing again and heading into the house.

She’s such a ray of sunshine in my life, but I struggle to feel her warmth. I’m having a hard time with life right now, and I know Sarah is trying to make it better.

Yet, each time I look at her, I feel anxious. I can’t let down anyone else in my life. Truthfully, it’d be easier for me to have no real relationships. I think I was right about that from a young age. Relationships lead to love, and love leads to loss. Every. Single. Time.

I can’t cut Sarah out though. I feel a strong sense of obligation to her. I always have but especially now.

I’m just so tired. I’m walking around blind in a world that doesn’t make sense.

There’s no light because I can’t break out of this perpetual night that I’m in. My mind holds dark thoughts, horribly gruesome visions, that I have no ability to control.

When one thinks about a warrior, they think of a strong person who has the capacity to yield something powerful. But what everyone fails to realize is that the mind is the biggest muscle of them all. The brain controls everything. When the mind is weak, nothing else matters. When the mind is fragile, one is left helpless.

I’m fighting to find purpose. I’m trying to find a point to it all or at least a semblance of peace. Yet, right now, all I feel is hopelessness.

My dad was wrong. I’m no warrior. I’m a weak-minded coward. Perhaps I always was.

London

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