Page 77 of Slash & Burn

“Not this. You’ll never see me the same.”

How could he think that?“Nothing you did out there will change who you are to me.Nothing.”

When he swallowed I could see how badly he wanted to tell me, to let this thing go that had been holding him down for so long.

“Please,” I begged.

He shook his head, but started anyway. “He was fighting me. I knew he didn’t mean to, but it was taking all my strength to stay above water. And then he wrenched my shoulder and the pain was so bad. All of the sudden I went under and he was holding me down.” He trembled and I cinched my thighs tighter around his waist. “I couldn’t get him off me, so I,” he paused, pulling his gaze away. “I hit him.” He looked back up at me with agony on his face. “I hit him hard, Jill. I punched him more than once, trying to get away. I was so scared he was going to kill me. I hit him again and again until he finally let me go.”

“Grady,” I exhaled, the weight of what he was telling me making my stomach knot. “You were trying to stay alive.”

“But I had thirty pounds on this guy and I whaled on him. By the time I realized what I was doing, I almost puked. I got away from him, but he was gasping for air.” He hung his head. “I didn’t want to hurt him, but I did. And every nightmare I have is of me bashing his face in with my fists and leaving him there to drown. I’m a monster, Jill.”

“No, you aren’t,” I said, taking a hold of his face and making him look at me. “You were a human who was afraid to die. You didn’t bash his face in, you didn’t leave him there. You saved his life. I saw the videos, Grady, he was fine. He didn’t have a mark on his face. Whatever you did to get away from him, you didn’t hurt him the way you think you did.”

“Look at me,” he said, pushing me back so I could look down at his strong, powerful body. “I’m massive compared to him. I never should have touched him.”

“You’re not Superman. You were in danger out there, too, and even though you were scared and hurt, youstilldragged both of you to shore.”

Grady looked away and I could see him warring with himself. He wanted to believe me, but for months he’d been alone with this and it had ripped away at who he thought he was. The perfect all-American athlete, the professional hockey star who’d never failed at anything in his life, who’d never let anyone down. That kind of pressure was overwhelming to me; I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to live under that weight his whole life. And then to feel like he’d failed when everyone else was calling him a hero.

“You fought for your life,” I whispered, not wanting him to feel guilty about this for one more second. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

His eyes were glassy, rimmed with tears when he found mine again. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“I know.” I kissed him as tears fell from both our eyes. “You did the best you could, Grady. That’s all anyone could have asked of you.”

There was something in his eyes, like he’d genuinely never considered that before. Given how driven and successful he’d been since he was a kid, I could imagine the message he’d heard the most had something to do with failure not being an option—no matter the circumstances.

“Please don’t try to be perfect, Grady. I need you to be real. Because then I can be real too.”

“Youare amazing,” he said in a rush, his trembling fingers lacing through my hair. “You don’t even see it, but you are.”

I’d never felt amazing. I’d never felt anything above average. But this last month with Grady I’d started to feel . . . more. More capable, more daring, more alive.

“Are you sure I didn’t hurt you?” he asked again, his eyes searching my body for a mark or bruise.

“Yes, I’m sure. You’d never hurt me.” It felt utterly impossible to imagine it. I’d never felt safer or more precious with anyone.

He swept his fingers through my hair, air rushing out of him. “Never.”

“Come back to bed,” I pleaded when I saw more goosebumps on his skin.

He hesitated, his eyes darting from me to the bed.

“Yes, I’m staying. Don’t fight me on it.” I stood up and held out my hand. He took it, a look of tired relief on his face.

When we got under the covers, Grady laid on his side away from me, as if he shouldn’t risk holding me again. But I wasn’t going to have that, so I rolled into him and notched my knees behind his, snuggling up as close as I could get. When I laid my hand gently on his arm he reached for it and hugged it to his chest, bringing me even closer.

“Thank you, Jill.”

Laying a soft kiss to his shoulder I whispered, “I’ll be right here.”

A shaky breath cracked out of him as he brought my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it, and we slipped into sleep until morning.

CHAPTER 30

GRADY

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