Page 4 of Slash & Burn

“No, you don’t. You seek out attention like a Labrador looks for someone with a tennis ball and a good arm. You can’t get enough. And it’s not just that I don’t like it. It doesn’t like me either. You’ve seen the colors I turn. I should just quit and save myself.”

His chuckle was light, and his expression softened.

“You can’t quit, Jilly.”

He started to walk again and I fell into step with him, but my legs suddenly felt like lead. “If this program doesn’t do well, they’re just going to shit-can me anyway. And we know if I have to give speeches, it’s going to tank. So, what’s the difference?”

“The difference is you don’t know that’s what they’re going to do. And,” he paused, looking at me and waiting until I met his gaze. “My daughter is going to need a better example than an aunt who quits the first time things get hard.”

Told you: guilt trip master.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. His daughter was still months away from gracing this planet and already I was being held to a higher standard for her benefit. This was the most Joey Jordan argument I’d ever heard.

“Fine. I won’t quit. I’ll let myself get disposed of like every other poor slob who’s forced to work for the man. Hired and fired on a whim. Lives reduced to numbers on a spreadsheet. Grist for the mill.”

My brother did not fight the urge to rollhiseyes, and he threw in a dramatic sigh to go with it.

“You’re a librarian. Not slaving away in the mines. And it’s talking to kids about reading, not facing a firing squad. Buck up.”

Ugh. I’d heard that mantra my whole life. Grow up. Man up. Buck up. It was like nothing I’d just said mattered. My fear of public speaking was never going to go away. It wasn’t something I didn’t “enjoy,” I got light headed and nauseous. The last time I had to stand on a stage to accept an award my anxiety felt like it was going to kill me. The idea of spending months in a state of constant dread was more than I could handle.

“You know it’s not that simple.”

He took a step around me, heading back toward his car. “That’s the thing, Sis, it is. Make this program so damn good they can’t possibly let you go, and you won’t have to find a new job this fall. Simple as that.” He gave me a wave, his expression lit like a beacon of arrogant superiority.

Simple as that.

Only facing my biggest fear was as far from simple as I could imagine. And yet, that’s what I was about to do. Because I had no other choice, and if I didn’t my life would get a lot more complicated.

CHAPTER 2

GRADY

“You’re sure you don’t want to come with us?” my mom asked, a twelve pack of seltzers in her hand as she bent over a plastic supply bin.

“I’ll come out for a few weekends when there aren’t any events going on. But I really need to be in town for this reading program.”

She straightened, her hands landing on her hips as she surveyed what she’d packed so far. At this point she had the routine down to a science. Our whole family did. Summers spent at our house on Peak’s Island—off the coast of Portland, Maine—were a family tradition.

A twinge of guilt nipped at me for not wanting to join them this year.

But I wasn’t ready. And I couldn’t tell them that without making them worry.

“It sounds like a great initiative,” she replied enthusiastically, her eyes shining with pride. “I love that your team is putting so much back into the community. More programs like this one would make a huge difference.”

“And talk about a perfect leadership opportunity,” my dad added, slipping into the room with a duffel hanging off his shoulder.

I nodded, but his comment had my palms itching. Missing the last part of the season had set me back more than just physically. I needed to show up for the team, and make a meaningful contribution to the organization again. So, when Coach presented the idea to me, I said yes without taking a breath. Whatever it took to get me back in the running for captain, I was willing to do. Even a silly summer reading program.

“It’ll be good,” I agreed with him, the determination in his eyes propping up my own.

Three months of nightmares and panic attacks had done a number on my nerves, but I couldn’t quit now. We’d worked too hard for this.

“I bet you spend the whole summer napping.” My sister’s voice came from behind me, where I found her leaning in the doorway with a half-eaten apple in her hand.

“Between training and leading this program, I doubt there’ll be much time for that,” my father chuckled, shaking his head.

“Well, he looks like he needs the rest,” Lexi pressed, raising her eyebrow at me when I glared at her. My sister was the only one who’d picked up on my exhaustion. She hadn’t asked me about it, but it felt like it was only a matter of time. And I didn’t want to get into it.

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