Page 29 of Slash & Burn

“He said it was a better option. So he left.”

“Did he ask you to go with him?”

She shook her head, her eyes still down. “No. Not that I would have anyway. I love it here and my family is here. I don’t want to live anywhere else.”

“And I gather he knew that?”

“Yep.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off her, the way she’d made herself so small was in such stark contrast to the powerhouse she’d been for me in that hallway. Sturdy and sure and ready to take on my demons right there with me. I should have changed the subject, but I wanted to understand.

“So, he left. And then what happened?”

Jill’s eyes finally sliced my way, an openness in them that pinned me to my spot on the deck.

“Adam had met me during one of my worst times. College was where I first started therapy and learned how bad my depression and anxiety could get. He’d seen me at my bottom and never made me feel like a loser or freak about it.” She paused, sitting up again and swiping her hair from her face. “But I guess I hadn’t realized how much he’d started to take over. Suddenly we were both on some hi-tech diet, but I was the only one who ever got on the scale. I stopped doing any of my own hobbies.” She looked at me like she’d shocked herself. “I stopped reading fiction. Like, full stop. Because there was”—her fingers dripped as she held them up in air quotes—“no point to it when we had so much work to do tounderstandourselves.”

The way her eyes drained of their spark the more she went on was like watching the color fade from the world at dusk.

“We almost never saw our friends—my friends—and my family thought I was doing better, so they didn’t push it. It wasn’t until after he left that I realized he’d been gaslighting me and manipulating me for years.”

“Jesus,” I muttered, seeing in her eyes just how lost she’d been.

“He walked away and I had nothing in my life that wasmeanymore. But the kicker was what he said to me the night he broke it off.”

She sighed, her beautiful lips curving into a sad, hopeless grin. “He told me that he couldn’t letmyfears andmyissues hold him back anymore. That he’d given up enough for me, and it was time for him to start living for himself again.I’d cost him too much already.”

Now I felt like an asshole for asking about all this. Jill was staring at the water, her head shaking from side to side as if she was hearing the words in her head all over again. Before I could tell her that prick was wrong and a worthless sack of shit, she went on.

“When he left I had no idea who I was anymore. I was scared all the time that I was making the wrong choices. That I’d never make the right choice again without him to help me. He’d made every decision for so long that I didn’t know how to exist without him.” She looked down at her pruney fingers, shaking her head. “I needed help to get myself back on track, to learn how to handle my panic attacks on my own again. To trust myself again.” Her gaze lifted to mine and she gave me a resigned smile that felt like a punch straight to the gut. “That’s how I know a little bit of what you might be feeling.”

It wouldn’t help to tell her I thought she’d had it worse. This wasn’t a contest either of us wanted to win. But my stomach was in a knot thinking about Jill being left like that, after she’d trusted that asshole with every part of her. It was scary as hell to think about anyone but her seeing me the way I’d gotten that afternoon, but to think that I’d have been alone was even worse.

“And Joey didn’t hunt this guy down?”

That got a real smile from her. “Nah, but only because I begged him not to. I might have been utterly lost and miserable, but I knew that revenge wasn’t going to taste sweet enough to make it worth the trouble he’d get in.”

For all his rule following, I had no doubt Joey would have thrown every bit of professionalism out the window if he’d had the chance to nail this guy. He was a cop because he wanted to stick up for people who needed help, and he loved his family more than anything. It was one of the reasons we’d never lost touch even after I moved away; because I was lucky enough to be considered family to him.

Not something I took lightly, either. Which was why I kept my eyes to myself when Jill reached for her wine again, the water level sinking low enough as she moved to reveal the perfect, heavy roundness of her tits in that skin tight suit.

I noticed. I didn’t stare, there’s a difference.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, licking the wine from her lips.

I swung my legs back and forth in the water, the sensation of it against my calves one I’d gotten used to while she talked. “I think I’m ready to try more.”

“Good.” She smiled, setting her wine down and moving back to the other side of the tub. I didn’t tell her, but I needed her to stay on that side. I needed as much space while I did this as she could give me.

“Here goes nothing,” I sighed, bracing my hands on the deck beside me and sliding further under the surface. My pulse kicked up as the water reached over my hips, and then my abs. But I didn’t stop until I was settled on the molded plastic seat across from her, a jet hammering into my back like a massage gun. It felt almost good enough to mask the anxious chill that raked through me.

Jill’s brow bent, reading the fear I wasn’t very good at hiding from her. “Still good?”

“Getting there.” The bubbles were different than they were when I’d been held under water, but they still triggered a degree of panic. Still, this was nothing compared to the ocean. Or even the pool I’d yet to get into. “This is a pretty sweet spot,” I said, forcing myself to look around me, trying to orient myself in the simple beauty of her backyard instead of the dark memories that wanted to take over.

Jill glanced around, her expression brightening like the stars beginning to pop out above us. “Yeah, I think it’s heavenly. I get that it’s probably boring to most, but it suits me just fine.”

“Boring to me?”

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