Page 31 of Slash & Burn

She’d cut the distance by half before I realized what she was doing, and held up my hand, barking at her. “No, stop!”

She jolted back, her eyes wide, like I’d hit her. I fought to catch my breath, slamming my eyes closed. I couldn’t look at her when she was staring at me like that.

“Tell me what you need,” she whispered.

“I . . .” God damn it, I’d been doing so well. I heard my jaw pop as I gnashed my teeth, shame burning through me like a hot poker. “I’m . . .”

My arms were stretched wide along the top of the tub, my hands wrapped around the edge as I tried to hold on. When I felt Jill’s tiny fingers on top of mine, a broken sigh erupted out of me. “Fuck.” Turning my hand over, I closed my fingers around hers. “Just don’t move, okay?” I swallowed, forcing my eyes open. “I don’t want to hurt you.” The words barely scraped out, the idea that I’d harm her like acid boiling in my chest.

“Okay. I’ll stay right here.” She gave my hand a squeeze, a deep line between her brows as she watched me. “You won’t hurt me.”

It was an unfathomable idea. But fear turns people into monsters. I knew firsthand. And if I ever hurt her, even by accident, I’d never forgive myself. Joey wouldn’t have to hunt me down to make me pay. I’d volunteer.

CHAPTER 14

JILL

The guilt was overwhelming. I’d say I was drowning in it if the metaphor wasn’t so repulsive in that moment. I never should have pushed him to get in.

Even after we’d gotten out of the hot tub and he’d had a chance to dry off and relax while I pulled dinner from the oven, he’d looked lost and he winced every time I came anywhere near him.

“I never used to eat much when I was super anxious either,” I said, watching Grady move the food around on his plate. He’d barely touched it.

He sighed, hanging his head before he looked back up at me. “I’m sorry. It’s delicious, I just can’t eat.”

“I get it.” I spun, grabbing some leftover containers from the cupboard. “You can take some for later, when you feel better.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

I ignored him, scooping half the skillet into one of the containers. “Maybe I want to.”

“You won’t wear my jersey, and now you’re giving me pity leftovers? You’re really trying to give me a complex.”

I licked some wayward mashed potatoes from my thumb. “Why does it bother you so much that I won’t wear it?” I figured it had just been an ego thing, but the more he wouldn’t let it go, the more I wondered what his glitch was.

He thought for a second, downing the last of his wine and sliding his chair back. “I guess I’ve just never had anyone in my life who wasn’t supportive of my hockey career.”

“Well, maybe I see you as more than that? I’m not against your career, but I knew you before you were Mr. Hockey Hot Shot, so I don’t think of you as a Boston Brawler. I think of you as . . .”

I paused, fearing that Grady was seconds away from reading all over my face exactly what I thought of him. Since the start of the summer, even with his first-event fuck-up, he’d done nothing to make him any less crush-worthy. But if I told him ‘I think of you as perfect and handsome and kind and funny and adorably optimistic,’ I think things might get awkward.Moreawkward.

“You think of me as what?” This conversation had started out light, but there was genuine concern in his eyes as he waited for my answer.

I decided to hide behind vagueness. “You. Just you.”

“Ah,” he said, studying me as if he could tell I was hiding something.

“And these are not pity leftovers,” I said, shoving the container into his hands. “I don’t pity you, Grady.”

He stood, laughing ruefully under his breath. “How many more breakdowns do you think it’ll take before you change your mind?”

I followed him to the door. “No limit. I already told you, needing to sort this out doesn’t change who you are. Not to me.” I walked out onto the porch, listening to the tree frogs sing from one side of the creek to the other. “In fact, I think we should do this again.”

“Dinner and a freak out?”

I glared at him. “You didn’t dothatbad.”

He shook his head, but then he let out a loud sigh and propped a hand on his hip. “I actually could use your help.”

---