Page 73 of Ties of Deception

Constance gave me the pomegranate, then she and Sebastian left, promising they’d return to escort me home in an hour or so. The lock on the door clicked behind them.

I held the pomegranate and reclined on the couch, laying my head back and closing my eyes. I wanted to understandeverything.

I concentrated with all my might, tears squeezing out of the corner of my eyes. Ineededto remember. Ineededto know who I was and what I was fighting for. Emotions flickered through me, and I clung to the feelings, drawing on them desperately and longing to catch each one. I pushed with all my might, fighting to be who I was meant to be.

Then everything vanished.

I sat up. I was in my room in Ava’s house miles away from Erebus, my limbs heavy with exhaustion despite spending hours in bed. My head pounded, a wave of dizziness passed over me, and my lungs struggled to fully inflate. The muscles of my chest ached with every breath. But the most painful part was waking to find the chair beside my bed empty. I wanted to see Ethen. I needed him. The world was much less scary when he was present. I could face this. I could face anything if he was beside me.

But I was alone—so alone. And it was agony. It was hard not to lose myself to anger at the cards life had dealt us. Why should I have to go through this just to be with the person I loved? Why did I have to wait a lifetime to simply kiss him? If this was dying, I wished I could just get it over and done with. He had sworn we would be together in the next life, and then the years of barely touching, the guilt in his face as I grew sicker—all of this would be worth it.

It was all I could say to myself now. And I resorted to it relentlessly.It will all be worth it.Ethen and I would finally be together. But as I looked at that empty chair, it felt like I had already lost him. Why couldn’t he see that I didn’t care if touching him killed me? I just needed him. I needed him like never before.

Through the door I could hear the gentle sounds of Ava in the kitchen. The smell of stew wafted through the door. Despite the pleasantness of the smell, my stomach twisted uncomfortably. I often struggled to keep food down.

I reached through the tangled curtain of my hair to my table and fumbled for the clay cup of water. Beside it was a pomegranate. Its skin was still smooth despite the brown blotches that had bloomed over its surface. It had sat there for months, so the flesh inside was probably rancid, but I couldn’t bear to throw it away. I held it in my palm, and it eased the ache in my chest a little.

Where was he? I hoped he was coping with his guilt. I missed him so much.

I heard a door open and close in the distance. I straightened up and pricked my ears, straining to identify the voices. Ava’s voice was sharp. “What are you doing here? How dare you show your face!”

My breath caught.Ethen. I would bet anything that the visitor was Ethen. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, but even that motion made me feel dizzy.

Ethen’s voice was a guiding light in the darkness of a terrible storm. It was low and thick with concern. My heart squeezed with worry for him. “Just let me see her. How is she?”

Ava’s voice remained harsh. “How do you think she is? She’s dying because ofyou. Because you couldn’t leave her alone. She’s lying in there, barely able to breathe, and you somehow find this acceptable because you’re the Aidis?”

I shook my head, trying to clear the dizziness. Ava had it wrong. I was the one who’d insisted that he stay close, who hadn’t cared about the consequences, and who still wanted him close now.

I forced myself to my feet, unwilling to let her chase him away. The room spun.

Ethen’s voice was distraught. “I know…I know. But when she’s reborn…”

“Do you really think her being your Fated makes this all right? She’s dying in there, Ethen.Dying. Suffering in a way you will never understand. And now that the empire has Graces through some unknown power, how do you even know that she will be reborn? How will you find her? If I were her, I would never forgive you for this selfishness.”

I placed one foot in front of the other. My legs felt so weak, I almost stumbled. It was hard to breathe. I had to tell him this wasn’t his fault, and I forgave him. I had to tell him that I loved him so fiercely, I would be able to find him in any world. Any lifetime. All I wanted was for us to be together properly.

Ethen’s reply was ragged, his voice hoarse. “Just let me see her, Ava. It’s been two weeks. I’ve brought pomegranates.”

“Pomegranates! Pomegranates!” Ava shrieked. Something was being grabbed and thrown. Another rustle and a dull thud. Ethen grunted. “Just your presence alone could tip her over the edge. Would you steal what little time she has left? Haven’t you done enough?”

I bit back the tears. Ava was wrong. I needed him. I needed to soothe his pain before it was too late. What if his guilt and pain over losing me meant he never came to find me in my next life? What if he thought I was better off without him? Graces were said to lose their memories. If he didn’t come for me, I might be lost for an eternity thinking I was somebody I wasn’t. And all of these years would have been for nothing.

I stepped forward, my dizziness not abating.

“Just…give her the pomegranates. The ones you’ve not thrown. Please. Tell her I love her and that not seeing her is agony. Tell her…I’m sorry.”

“Tell me yourself,” I said, but my words were too hoarse to travel beyond the room. I forced my feet forward faster, but they didn’t move as I intended. I tripped, falling, falling, colliding with the hard floorboards.

The voices on the other side of the door fell silent for a moment.

I groaned in pain, unable to feel my body properly. Black stars burst into multicolored flowers around the corners of my vision. “Ethen.” I croaked. I knew there was no way I was going to find my feet again, but I so desperately needed to see him. I stretched out one arm toward the door to see if I could drag myself to him.

“What was that? What was that noise? Did you hear it?” His voice sounded panicked. I almost sobbed in relief when I heard his footsteps growing louder. He threw the door open, and my blotchy vision could barely make out his figure, distorted from where I lay on the floor.

Ava gasped, her hands to her mouth. “Why did you get out of bed?” But Ethen didn’t let her push past him.

He ran to me. “Snow!” His voice broke, and he started to sob. “No. No, no, no, no…” He began to pick me up, then recoiled, stepping back and letting Ava take his place. His face was twisted with self-hatred. I lifted my hand toward him as Ava lifted me under my armpits. “Ethen,” I managed. The word was harder to form than usual. “Ethen, I…”

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