Page 97 of Stars May Fall

He huffed a laugh. “Oh, you have it. Who would have guessed after decades of war that the mighty power of Kollenstar will be tamed by a stack of paper?”

I shifted my saddle and rode on with a straight back. This was my moment, and I was going to make it count.

SOPHIE

It had been three weeks since Kasten had given me my greenhouse, and I still went there every day. My mood was slowly improving as I busied myself with preparing the ball and developing new cures from my plants. Callum and I had made exciting advances with stabilizing felixleaf so it didn’t have to be prepared freshly beside the patient.

Kasten and I spent plenty of pleasant time in each other's company, but I was still sleeping in my old bedroom. It helped keep my fears at bay. There was no ‘if’ I was going to have my period, only ‘when’, and that made things easier. Not that there probably ever could be an ‘if’.

I wondered if this would be the new normal of our marriage, and if I would ever be able to escape this lingering shadow created by my father’s tonics to restore it back to where we had once been. I couldn’t look at Kasten without feeling guilty that I couldn’t be more for him, even though he’d said I was enough. I was damaging the most precious thing I had, and I couldn’t help it.

I entered the greenhouse for a break from the business of the castle, the wall of humid warmth and the music of tricklingwater instantly making me relax. There were even small exotic birds within that glimmered like jewels when you spotted them flitting between the plants.

I was so, so grateful to Kasten for this place, even if I hadn’t been very good at showing it. It was the most perfect place in the world. But it still highlighted how much more worthy of love Kasten was compared to me.

I rounded the dense tropical flowers, Lucy and Beatrice following a few steps behind, to a quiet corner where we had buried Meena. I came to talk to her every morning. I didn’t want her to be lonely here. She had attended me; now I would attend her.

I was surprised to see Kasten’s mother in her wicker wheelchair, looking at the mound of carved stones we had erected as a memorial. Meena’s curved blade and freisk knife were mounted on an iron stand at the top.

“Eloise?” I asked, not sure if she had heard me approach.

She looked around and smiled, holding out her hand. “Sophie.” She had such a warm smile. “I hope I’m not intruding. I know this greenhouse is yours.”

I smiled and squeezed her hand. “No, no, not at all.” I turned to the polished bluish-grey stones. “I just didn’t expect to see you at the grave of somebody you’d never met.”

Her smile turned sad but lost none of its warmth. “She defended you and my son. That’s enough for me to be grateful to her and honor her death.”

I sat on the ledge around one of the ponds and straightened my pale skirts. “Are you sure you don’t want to join us at the ball tomorrow?”

She shook her head. “No, my dear. You have fun. I’m sure it will be amazing, but you know how I like to retire early. There’ll be too many people, too many questions.”

We sat in silence for a moment, listening to the beautiful, unfamiliar calls of the birds. “Thank you,” I said at last, “for saving Kasten. You are an incredible mother. The way you loved him…”

The words hit too close to home, and I stopped speaking before I broke down.

Eloise seemed to notice anyway and continued sitting in silence, her eyes very like Kasten’s as she sought for something to say. “I am glad he found you when I couldn’t be there. It was wonderful to wake from my sleep and find that he wasn’t alone.” She watched my face for a moment and pursed her lips. “Now, I will return to the laboratory for one more hour’s work before I retire.” She started to swivel her wheelchair around.

I perked up. “Is it almost finished?” Eloise had resumed her experiments to find something that not only purified the blood but could restore the damage toxins had done to organs. It needed stored vitality and so we had decided to make use of Gregane’s overflow haemalcomy disk that had harvested vitality from the last of the halfsouls Lyrason had created, since the people it belonged to were already dead. Queen Annabelle had made any future harvest of vitality highly illegal, so we wished to use this wisely. She had given her permission for its use in this one instance.

Eloise patted my hand. “I am very close, but I will only be able to make a small amount. One dose for Kasten, to heal any residual effects from the poison. And one for you.”

I frowned in confusion. “Why one for me? I thought you were making this for Kasten?”

Her eyes softened. “Kasten told me about the tonics your father gave you, the ones that damaged your womb. Well, this will remove any damage done.”

I could only stare at her in surprise. “But…don’t you think you should use it on yourself instead?”

Eloise’s eyes were flicking across my face as if solving a puzzle. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to use my legs normally again, but I’ve made peace with that. It was my own choice to give away my vitality. It was never yours to lose your ability to have a child.”

All at once my walls broke and tears came out in thick, soul-ripping sobs. Kasten’s mother kept her hand on my knee, her face sympathetic and concerned. “Sophie, is this what has been bothering you? Your inability to have a child?”

“Yes and no and…I know I’m being ridiculous, but I want to become a mother, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m bad enough at being a wife to Kasten, but if I had a child depending on me…I…I’m so scared of getting pregnant. Yet I dread never having a child even more.”

“Oh, my sweet girl.” Eloise’s voice broke and she held my hands, leaning as far out of her wheelchair as she could. “That’s not silly. You’re not being silly at all. Being a mother is a terrifying thing. And the uncertainty of whether you can even become one is even worse.”

She waited until I had calmed down before handing me her handkerchief. “If you could picture any future you wanted, Sophie, what would it be? What do you want deep down, if only it was possible?”

I closed my eyes tight. It was dangerous to say these things out loud. It was dangerous to dream when hope could hurt so much. “I want to be Kasten’s wife and for us to be happy. I don’t want to cause him pain and worry. I want to be the Lady of Kasomere and run the castle well. I want to be a healer that helps people all over Fenland. And…I want to have children with Kasten and be a good mother.” I opened my eyes, feeling vulnerable at exposing myself so deeply to Eloise.

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