Page 53 of Stars May Fall

I turned to look at him, and my breaths felt like they contained no air. His acceptance of me was intoxicating. It was something I had longed for my entire life without realizing, and now it almost felt like too much.

I was completely frozen under the weight of that gaze as his face became more serious and earnest. He lifted my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist again. I swallowed as he lifted his head to mine. He kissed my mouth in a way I had never been kissed before, like I was the only thing real in the whole world. It left me disorientated.

He pulled back. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” I whispered, and I really didn’t. I tangled my hand back in his hair so I could kiss him again. I could feel the walls crumbling between us with every passionate touch. For now, I could pretend to always be enough.

The sunlight wasbright when I woke up. I looked at the clock. It was past eight. Kasten was going to be late.

I rolled over to my husband. He was still asleep on his back, his forearm spread across his eyes, the other splayed haphazardly across his pillow. I hesitated, suddenly awkward, my arm already outstretched to wake him. A flush rushed to my face as I became aware of his physicality in a way I had been unaware of before.

He appeared peaceful, yet still radiated potential strength. When had his size stopped being intimidating and started to make me feel safe? His position highlighted the muscles of his arm and shoulder, the tendons casting sharp shadows in the dips and swells. His shirt was still discarded somewhere on the floor. Sometimes everything about him felt like too much for me to be able to process. He dominated every part of my life.

I swallowed and touched the bare skin of his arm, determined to act as if everything was normal. “Kasten? Kasten, wake up. We’ve overslept.”

He dragged his arm from over his eyes and wrapped it around my waist instead. “Sophie.” He uttered my name like a half-remembered prayer. He pulled me into his warmth, tucking me under the crook of his arm. My skin was sensitive and seemed to shiver at every place we touched. The position felt…different after last night, especially since he wasn’t wearing his shirt. The way he touched me was different. Everything suddenly carried more meaning.

I tried to pretend everything felt normal and pushed back half-heartedly in protest. “You’re going to be late, Kasten. It’s past eight o’clock. You’ll be late for the campaign meetings.”

He grunted with his eyes closed. “They were all so drunk yesterday. Nobody will be there before ten.” His grip tightened around my waist. “Let me have this moment with you.”

I didn’t protest again, but lay with my head on his arm, listening to him breathe. This was a very different Kasten than the one he’d been yesterday, rushing around and not daring to sleep. Maybe it was because I had scared him by putting myself in danger again, and he would now do anything to stay longer at my side.

I dwelt on our words from the night before and managed to place a finger on what had jarred in my mind. He’d said he thought I was strong and smart and capable. But if he truly believed that, then why was he so scared about me taking risks?

I sighed, shaking the uncomfortable thought from my mind. Maybe instead, his sudden desire to keep me close was because of what we had done last night. We had finally become husband and wife in every sense, and it had been like nothing I had ever experienced before.

My thoughts went back to the suddenness of it all, finally taking it in. I wanted to bask in it, to relive the pleasure of the moment. But instead, however much I wanted to enjoy this new feeling of closeness with Kasten, worry immediately invaded my mind. Once it was there, I couldn’t push it back.

What if I was pregnant? What if I wasn’t?

I guessed we were finally going to find out how much father’s tonics had damaged my womb. Part of me dreaded the answer. Acknowledging my infertility once and for all brought up a pain I wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. But as soon as the thought of holding my own child entered my mind, fear thick and smothering made it hard to breathe. Now that it was a possibility, the raw emotion hit me harder than it ever had before.

If I failed to be a good mother, I would never forgive myself, and my relationship with Kasten was the first positive deep relationship I’d had with anyone. What if there was something wrong with me which meant I couldn’t nurture my own children like I should? Considering my own childhood, maybe it was a good thing if I didn’t have children of my own.

But I wanted to be a mother. Did that make me horribly selfish? How could I desperately want a child, yet fear the possibility at the same time?

I rolled away from Kasten and drew my knees up under the covers at the sudden heavy thoughts, tears pressing behind my eyes, shocking in their suddenness. How was I meant to be a good wife to Kasten when Father had taken so much from me already, even when he was gone?

A messy jumble of emotions ensnared me, and I tried to untangle and calm them but failed. I’d felt so strong yesterday. Now, I couldn’t bring back the feeling. I felt inadequate in the ways that really mattered.

I closed my eyes and saw Father, his cane cradled in both hands. He sneered at me in disgust.

‘You have no idea what I’ve sacrificed for this family, the fate I saved you from.’

I tried to shake off the memory of him. I had prevailed against him. He was gone. Gone. I couldn’t let him make me feel small again. I had even walked through those halfsouls yesterday. I had outwitted Lyrason in front of the king himself and become friends with Princess Annabelle. I had been victorious in every battle.

I tried to picture my mother, but she was just a haze of warm, fluffy sensations that I was half-convinced I had imagined. Would my life have been different if she had survived? Would she have managed to protect me against Father? Against Miss Claris?

An old, familiar ache appeared in my chest, and I rallied against it. No. I was strong. I wasn’t worthless. I was in the place I was meant to be. I repeated the words over and over, knowing I would only truly believe them when I had proved it to myself countless times. But proving it to myself yesterday had terrified Kasten.

Why was this all such a mess? Why couldn’t I simply be happy like a normal person?

Things had been going so well. But…the need to do better still burned within me. It still wasn’t enough.

If I was to be a mother, I couldn’t afford to make a single mistake. I couldn’t do to my child what had been done to me. I wanted to know without a doubt that I could be the mother a child deserved.

That was if I could be a mother at all. The thought was like a kick to the stomach all over again.

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