Page 19 of Stars May Fall

I snorted a laugh. Who could have guessed that Kasten had a sense of humor?

His expression fell abruptly, and he watched his hand as it stroked up and down my hip, wrinkling the silk of my nightgown. “I normally drink because it numbs the nightmares.I’ve had them for years. Normally, it’s a variation of being trapped somewhere, being attacked, and watching the people I care about get killed because I am not enough to save them.” He closed his eyes for a moment and blew out a breath as if dispelling an image from his mind. His hand kept stroking. “I still get them, but they’re not as bad if I’ve had a lot to drink. It also stops my worst fears turning over and over in my mind, preventing me from falling asleep at all. I haven’t slept through the night in a very long time.” He looked away, staring at the ceiling.

My throat constricted, and I sat up and found his hand. “I’m sorry you have to face that, Kasten.”

He shrugged. “It helps having you safe beside me. Being able to feel your peaceful breathing.” He pulled me back down into his arms, and I squirmed into a comfortable position against his chest. “Just having you here calms my mind in a far better way than alcohol.”

I kept hold of his hand, interlocking our fingers. My skin looked so pale next to his healthy sun-kissed tan. In the half-light, it seemed to have retained its sickly grey pallor. I wondered what would happen when we had to part again. The thought of him having to face his fears alone in the palace or on the battlefield filled me with dismay. He had been so badly injured at Whitehill. Nobody should have to go through that. “What will you do when you’re next sent away on a campaign? Won’t the next one be quite soon? Will you still go?”

He sighed. “Let’s not think about that yet. I want to enjoy our time together without thoughts of the future ruining it.”

I wished we could simply be left alone in Kasomere forever. I listened to the quiet cadence of Kasten breathing.

My stomach rumbled again. Kasten’s chest vibrated in a soundless laugh, and he loosened his arms from around me. Iwasn’t sure I was ready for him to let go of me yet, no matter how hungry I was. I buried myself deeper into the mattress.

Kasten kissed the top of my head. “Come on. I need the bathroom, and you need breakfast.”

He untangled himself, and I watched him walk to the bathroom in his loose shirt and trousers, his hair ruffled and his feet bare. I couldn’t help another smile before I pushed myself out of bed, pulled on my silk dressing gown, and rang for my maids—the bell system had only been installed up to the fourth floor two days ago.

My wardrobe was still in my room on the second floor, and I normally went downstairs to bathe, rub lotions on my bruises, and then dress. Today, however, I wanted breakfast first. We could have it in bed together. I wanted to make the most of these leisurely mornings that might never come again. The last six days had been so lazy, but after all that had happened, Physician Harris had been very blunt, saying I needed rest and no stress. Kasten clearly needed that too. I was convinced the last week must have been far worse for him than me. I’d merely been unconscious. Who knew what horrors he had gone through to get the cure from Lord Lyrason.

When Lucy knocked on the door, I asked her to go to the kitchens and bring up breakfast for us. Once she was gone, I propped myself into a sitting position with pillows while I brushed my hair, listening to the floorboards creaking behind the bathroom door as Kasten washed. It reminded me of the time I had woken in his bed when I hadn’t fallen asleep there, before walking in on him changing his bandages in the bathroom. I had squealed, slammed the door, and held it closed on him in panic. How embarrassing. The memory still made my cheeks flush. Back then I couldn’t have imagined that I would ever feel so relaxed sleeping in Kasten’s bed.

I ran my brush through my hair again, though the knots were all gone, an uneasiness stirring in my stomach. I had wanted to discuss something with Kasten for the last few days, but I had no idea how to do so. Now I had almost recovered, and we were acting affectionately like a true husband and wife, surely we should be having marital relations? But I had no idea how to initiate such a conversation without it being acutely embarrassing, and I had the feeling Kasten would not initiate it himself out of fear of pressuring me. He hadn’t even initiated us having dinner together for fear I was only doing it out of duty.

My heart rate rose, and I could feel the blush deepen on my cheeks. With Frederick, relations had happened on our wedding night as expected, and then a few times a month afterward. But we had never discussed the topic, even indirectly. We both knew we needed to make a child, and as I failed month after month to conceive, his visits to my bed had grown less frequent. I had become increasingly numb to the whole situation.

But this was Kasten, and everything was different. I was more aware and more self-conscious with him, because everything meant more. While I had never found Frederick attractive, Kasten had captivated me heart and soul. The thought of our brief kisses going further… It felt like an entirely different world than my previous relationship. I glanced at Kasten’s side of the bed. Iwantedthings to go further between us. I really did. I wanted all of him, utterly and completely. It was exciting, but also terrifying because I had so much more to lose.

I clutched the bed sheets as the reality of what it would lead to settled around me. I would have to face the questions about my own fertility, having drunk those damaging tonics for a whole year. The idea of failing to bear Kasten’s child was far worse than failing to bear Frederick’s. And if I couldn’t bring children to the marriage, what was I meant to do with my life? I was already keenly aware of how much less I could contributeto our marriage than Kasten. The house was his. The titles were his. The money was earned by him. His ability to lead armies and be a tactician were legendary. He defended all of us from so many threats without even mentioning them to me. I had never deserved him.

I took a deep breath to calm myself. Now that Father and Lord Lyrason were gone, would I really turn to fighting my own mind? Physician Harris had told me not to stress, and I didn’t want to destroy this time of calm when we could both truly enjoy spending trouble free time with each other. Maybe I simply wasn’t yet ready for the next stage of our relationship when I would have to face the new worries. But maybe in a week or so—when I’d had longer to process recent events—I would be. I just wished everything wasn’t so complicated.

Right now, however, in our bubble of peace, I was determined to be happy.

Kasten opened the bathroom door, and I startled, letting my hair fall forward to cover my face so he couldn’t see how red I was after my train of thought.

Kasten paused in the doorway, wearing a fresh shirt, a towel around his neck. I peeked through my hair to see him frowning at me. I started brushing my hair again just to give my hands something to do.

“Are you all right, Sophie?”

I cleared my throat and looked away, lifting my chin. “Yes. I’ve asked Lucy to bring us breakfast in bed.”

He grunted and sat down on the covers beside me. The action only deepened my blush as I desperately sought to return my demeanor to calm and collected. The bed sagged beneath me as Kasten leaned in. “Sophie, what’s wrong? You’re acting strange.”

Should I share what I had been thinking about marital relations? It would probably be helpful for him to know. But Iwasn’t sure how to put them in words, and the thought of talking about it out loud made my throat dry in embarrassment.

I dragged in a breath and set down the hairbrush on my bedside table. “I was…thinking…”

“Yes.” He dipped his head to catch my gaze in his, like he always did when he wanted to encourage me to speak my mind, as if he would do anything to unearth what I was thinking.

I licked my lips to keep them moving. “About how I am almost recovered. I only have a faint ache in my side and right arm now.”

Kasten frowned and started to fasten the cuffs of his sleeves. “If you are thinking about taking over running the household, you don’t need to yet. Callum and Mistress Rose have everything in hand, and Physician Harris said you must rest your brain.”

I nodded. “I wasn’t. I am very grateful for the time we are able to spend together.” My decision to say more wavered. Was it even worth it? The acute embarrassment just to say I wanted to wait longer when that was what he was doing anyway? He was likely waiting for a sign from me before progressing to the next stage of our relationship.

Kasten cleared his throat and shifted, awkwardly. “I interrupted you. Forgive me. What were you thinking?”

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