Page 129 of Sardonic Burn

“So all it took was for me to try to kill myself for you to realize this?”

Hurt flashes through Ray’s eyes. I can’t remember the last time I called him Father or Dad. He hasn’t acted like one in a long time. He’s always been kind to me but kept me at an arm’s length.

He expected me to die because of this feud.

And I can’t lie, the hatred I had for the De Santis family started vanishing a long time ago. I’m no longer interested in killing all of them. It ended with Franco’s death, and it should stay like that. I no longer have the energy for this.

“Never do that again.” His voice cracks. “You’re my first baby, Noelle. I can’t lose you. I’ll never survive that.”

My nose starts itching, and, for some reason, Ray’s face blurs in front of me.

“When I was nineteen, I almost got caught on a mission. My punishment was training until I dropped from exhaustion. Niko did the same, and he was let go with a slap on the wrist. I got drunk on my twenty-first birthday, and I was screamed at for ruining the family’s reputation. Niko did the same, and you didn’t even glance at him, and he went nude through the fucking venue. The two of us don’t share the same parents. The resentment I hold toward him is your fault.”

“I know.” Ray raises his voice slightly. “I know that. I fucked up. Kalina fucked up. We fucked up as parents. It wasn’t intentional. It’s just that… ever since you were young, you showed genuine interest in the business. I wanted you to succeed.”

“And I did that because that’s the only way you’d pay attention to me.” I choke out a bitter laugh and then realize that I’m crying. “I could’ve performed the perfect kill. You wouldn’t glance at me twice. I went to the university of your choice because I thought it would get me more attention from you. It never did. And I gave up on Kalina a long time ago. She only has eyes for Jane, and I’m fine with that. At least one of us deserves to have a functioning mother figure.”

“I know there’s no way for me to fix this.” He swallows and wipes my tears. It only makes me cry harder. “I’ll back off and give you the space you want and need. But you’ll always have a home here, Noelle. It’s yours.”

I smile through the tears. “It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think? You know… The happiest day of my life was after I got stabbed by Hudson. You said that you’d kill him because he dared to point a blade at your pride, only to act like I barely existed later on. It hurts.”

Ray doesn’t speak. There are no words to make it all disappear. I may be overreacting, but it still feels like he’s splitting my heart in two. I remember my childhood and wonder when it all went wrong. He never abused me. He rarely raised his voice at me. But it still hurts.

I wipe the tears with the back of my hand and swallow.

“I’m not saying I’ll never forgive you. I just want space. From both of you.”

Reluctantly, Ray kisses the top of my head, and I fight the urge to let go of the tears. I’ve cried enough for a lifetime. I can’t show weakness ever again. He remains like that for a minute ortwo. Once he stands up, he glances at me, and I see that his eyes mirror mine—filled with tears he’s too afraid to let fall.

“Oh,” I call out, and he raises a brow. “Tell Niko to come in. There’s no need to stand outside of my door. It’s creepy.”

He chuckles, and the door swings open. Niko clears his throat as Ray leaves. It’s too awkward. His hands are in his pockets, and I see the anxious expression on his face.

“Am I about to get the same treatment as Ray?”

“I don’t know. Do you deserve it?”

“Probably,” he admits. “But I don’t want it. You know that despite how differently they treated us, I always loved you the most.”

“I know.”

He sits in the same spot as Ray did not too long ago and hugs me. He pulls me in and wraps his arms around me as if he’s terrified I’ll disappear quickly. His body trembles, and he tries to hide it. I chuckle at that, which makes him pull me even closer.

“What were you thinking?” he whispers. “You could’ve died.”

I take a deep breath and make some distance between us.

“I knew I wouldn’t die. I just wanted to give Hudson the opportunity because he hesitated too much.”

“He hesitated because Dylan had a knife to your throat, Noelle! I would’ve hesitated, too.”

I smile. “Which is why you’re unfit to take over Ray’s position. Hesitation will only get you killed.”

“That’s not funny.” He gives me a stern look. “Tell me, were you trying to distract Dylan and ended up cutting yourself deeper than planned, or you didn’t cut deep enough?”

I purse my lips. This is a conversation that has played in my head for the past few weeks, and I still don’t know how to properly approach it. Especially with Niko.

“I planned to cut this deep, but—”

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