Page 37 of Silver Fox's Twin Babies

It wasn’t all that long ago when I looked through this same peephole and saw Evan waiting for me to answer so he could deliver Jacob’s gift for the twins’ birthday. Then not long after when Parker swung this door open to invite him in without asking me if it was safe.

This time, however, it was Jacob with his long face and crisp trilby hat. Erin stood next to him with her hands folded and a worried expression on her face. If only Mom were here it would feel like a family gathering. I nodded at Parker and he swung the door open.

The minute he saw Jacob, he squealed in delight and threw his arms out. Jacob scooped him up in a big hug and spun around. The display warmed my heart, but not as much as it would’ve if it were Evan.

“How are you?” Erin asked as she stepped inside while Jacob greeted Vera, who had seen him and come running. Erin hugged me and I shut the door.

“I’m a wreck. This whole thing feels like my fault. I don’t know what to do.” It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy to see them. Whenever Jacob and Erin came over, I was always thrilled to entertain them. They were as close to grandparents as my kids had ever had—them and my mom. But entertaining was hard work, and I was emotionally spent.

“Come, sit,” she said, taking my hand. She led me to the couch where Jacob sat with one child on each knee. His smile was priceless. I knew how much he loved them like they were his own grandkids.

“Where did you go?” Parker asked, cocking his head. He scrunched his nose and played with Jacob’s tie. I hadn’t told them anything about the heart attack. Kids were too sensitive to hear scary things like that unless it was necessary.

“Well, I got a little sick so I stayed at the hospital for a while.” I appreciated how Jacob tempered his response, adding a wink in my direction for good measure. “And now I’m better so I’m back to work. I figured I’d come see you since I missed your party. I didn’t want you guys to get sick too.”

“I like when you visit,” Vera announced proudly. “Want to play Candy Land?”

Jacob chuckled as Erin and I sat on the sofa on either side of him. “Alright, that sounds like fun. How about you two go set it up in your room and I’ll be there right away. I need to talk to your mom for a minute first.”

Watching their happy faces made my eyes well up. Only last week this was the reaction they’d had to Evan and a family night with games and movies. The reality that they needed a father figure hit me harder than a tsunami. I couldn’t watch as they dashed off; my heart was breaking. Keeping my secret from Evan was the worst possible thing in the world. Jacob had been wrong. Evan wasn’t able to handle it. In my mind, his disappearance proved that.

“Amber,” Jacob said softly. I looked up at him with a frown and tears on my cheeks. “We have some news.” He touched my hand and I swallowed hard. I wasn’t sure what that meant. Judging by the expression on their faces it didn’t seem like good news.

“They found him?” My question was physically painful to ask. The words seemed to claw their way all the way up my throat and across my tongue.

“Not exactly.” Erin offered a frown and sighed. “They searched his house and office. He’s taken his wallet and phonebut it hasn’t been turned on in a few days. That was as of this morning. Now, they did find evidence that he probably stayed a night at the office.”

It piqued my curiosity. “He did? How do they know?” My body inched forward on the couch, anxious for more news, anything to make this dreaded fear of the unknown less.

“They found a bottle of alcohol that appeared to be just opened. It was more than halfway empty. The plastic seal was still there like he just tore it off.” Erin frowned again. Her forehead furrowed in deep crevices that aged her substantially. “It seems he was pretty upset.”

My heart sank again. I buried my face in my hands as the tears started to flow. Knowing how much I’d hurt him made this so much harder. If it were a simple case of a missing person, I’d still feel anxious, terrified, or panicked. But this was all on me. It was entirely avoidable if I’d only done the right thing and told him the very minute we reconnected.

“Hey,” Jacob said, patting my knee. “Don’t get in your head. I told you he could handle it, and I hold to that. If he’s been to his office and downed most of a bottle of booze, it means he’s processing. I think he’ll turn up any day now.” Jacob’s previous attitude of fear over Evan’s safety seemed to have shifted. I wasn’t sure if that was for my benefit or if he truly thought it would be alright. I’d learned to listen to his gut as much as my own. Now I wished I really had listened before.

“It’s just…This is my fault. If I had told him sooner, maybe he wouldn’t have run off.” I couldn’t stop the tears now; they came pouring out freely. The safe place Jacob created for me to be myself and find comfort allowed me to be this vulnerable. I would never know how to repay him for stepping in as a father to me when my dad died. I couldn’t ask him to do that for my kids too.

“This isn’t your fault.” Both of them said the words almost in unison. It felt comforting to hear them say it, but it didn’t stop me from believing it was still true.

After hours of playing, Jacob and Erin left and I tucked the kids in. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, following the swirls of texture with my eyes. It relaxed me sometimes when I was really stressed out; tonight was one of those nights. When my eyelids started to droop, my phone rang, so I picked it up and answered the call from my mom.

“How are you holding up, baby?” Mom offered to come and stay, but I wanted life to stay as normal as possible for the kids. Adding Evan to our lives had already been a huge adjustment—in a positive way. I wasn’t sure how they’d take it if he didn’t come back. Having Mom here during that process would only alarm them that something wasn’t right.

“I’m about as amazing as you’d think.” My dry humor landed a chuckle from Mom as I rolled to my side to stare at the wall instead of the ceiling.

“Do you want me to come over? I will. I can sleep on the couch and take care of the kids for you. Honey, let me help.” The offer was so sweet, but I couldn’t take it. Mom would dote and fuss; I would complain and cry. The combination would make me weaker than I already was because she was my mom; I would lean on her too much. Being independent forced me to handle this like an adult.

“I love you, Mom, but no. Thank you though.” My phone buzzed, and for a second, I didn’t even stop to look at it. I would have dismissed it as a notification from Facebook or Twitter.

But I’d been waiting for something, anything, from Evan. I had formed a new habit of checking my phone relentlessly every fifteen minutes despite not having notifications.

I pulled the phone from my ear and glanced at it. Evan’s name was there on the notification that disappeared quickly. My heart leapt up into my throat and I sat up abruptly.

“Oh my God, Mom. He just texted me.” I spoke without even having the phone to my ear, then pressed the button to turn it to speaker mode before reading his text.

“What does it say?” She sounded as eager as I was to know what was going on, so I showed her the message:

Evan 9:46 PM:Be at my house tomorrow at six o’clock for dinner. Come alone.

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