Page 16 of The Tides of March

“It was,” Nox agreed, his tone slightly patronizing. “But darkening your soul won’t bring him back. And it wouldn’t have saved any of those girls or stopped Walt,” he added, cutting right to the heart of Tony’s grief and his deepest regrets.

“How do you know?” he snapped loudly. “You made all those decisions for me but how do you know I couldn’t have helped you find them sooner or realized it was him before more people died?” he shouted, then covered his mouth, stunned and shaking. Before then, Tony hadn’t been able to put his finger onwhyit had hurt so much that he’d been left out. “What if I could have helped you find them or what if I could have stopped Walt myself?”

Nox made a knowing sound as he put an arm around Tony and kissed his temple. “You would have found a way to blame yourself, more than you already do.”

Tears spilled from Tony’s eyes as a wave of anger and disgust swelled within him. For so many months, Tony hadn’t been able to understandwhyhe was so bitter or who he truly blamed. He was suddenly so sick with himself as he realized how weak and easily manipulated he had been. “How could I have missed it? About both of you?” he cried, but Nox shushed Tony as he pulled him close and rocked them.

“You cannot possibly begin to fathom all the ways you were misled. By Walt and by me. He needed you to buy his lies so he could use you and I lied because I was scared.”

“Scared? Of what?” Tony challenged. “You’re…a demigod!” he said, laughing incredulously and putting a little space between them.

That got a loud cackle out of Nox. “Come on, T! You can’t tell me you wouldn’t think that was terrifying. I lied to myself about it and I ran like hell from the truth for as long as I could.”

“Bet you told Clancy,” Tony said, crossing his arms over his chest. Nox may have hid the truth from a goofy minion like Tony, but Nox revered his mentor, Professor Darach Clancy, much in the same way he loved and respected Merlin. “How did he take it?”

Nox drew back, blinking as his eyes watered. “How did Clancy take it?” he echoed hoarsely and Tony nodded.

“Did you worry if he’d believe you and about dimminghislight?”

“No…” Nox shook his head, sniffing hard as he advanced on Tony. “Would you like to see what you’ve missed and how Clancy took the news?” he asked.

Tony nodded faintly. “Yeah. I think…”

“I can show you now,” Nox said as he raised his hands and reached for Tony’s face. “I can revisit any moment I want and I can take you with me,” he said, his hands hovering around Tony’s face as he waited for permission.

“Yes!” Tony whispered, too enthralled and ravenously curious to say anything else.

“Close your eyes and breathe with me,” Nox commanded gently. He closed his eyes and slowly drew in a deep breath, then exhaled gradually.

“Okay.” Tony pushed out a steady breath, focusing as he shut his eyes. He felt Nox’s hands close around his face and gasped as they spun. The temperature plummeted, making Tony’s toes feel cold and damp in his sneakers. He hugged his arms, shivering as he opened his eyes. He gasped again as he turned, taking in the forest and the drizzling, overcast night around them. “How did you—?” he started but forgot his question and the words melted on Tony’s tongue when he saw an empty, antler altar nailed toa large oak tree. “Are we…?” he asked as he approached it on shaking legs.

“This is New Castle,” Nox confirmed, standing next to Tony. “This is when I first began to suspect,” he said softly, raising his right hand. Torches lit around them and Tony could smell juniper and meadowsweet.

“You didn’t know before? You said your dad told you the secret when you were a kid,” Tony said distantly, slowly scanning all the hanging antlers and the torches around them. He could hear drums beating and women crying as he turned back to the altar. A young woman’s body was tied to the trunk, her bowels spilling into a cauldron. Her eyes had been gouged out and her tongueless mouth was stretched into a silent scream. “Shit!” Tony fell back, onto the grass, and scrambled away from the tree.

“This is how I first met Elsa Hansen.”

“Jesus! Elsa!” Tony swallowed hard, thinking of Elsa’s sister, Heidi. He’d befriended Heidi while helping out at Bippity Boppity Books and Tony reeled, he was so heartbroken and furious at the senselessness.

“I was told a story I could barely believe and then I was told to forget about it,” Nox said as he stared at Elsa, his voice sad and fragile. “But none of that could have prepared me for this.” He was hurting as he stood before her, offended and devastated.

Tony could practically feel the pain and anger rolling from Nox as he rose and went to join him. “You were afraid,” he said and Nox nodded, unable to pull his eyes away from Elsa.

“Somehow, I knew this was for me.”

“For you?” Tony said but shook his head wildly. “You would never want this!”

“No!” Nox covered his mouth, crying as he finally turned away from the altar on the tree. “But this was when I first began to fear that the curse that had skipped all the other MacIlwraiths—and had merely killed them—had finally caught up with me. Here was where I started to suspect that I had ‘won’ the cosmic lottery.”

“What did you do?”

A soft chuckle answered. “I plugged my ears and shut my eyes as tight as I could. I fought like hell and denied it was happening whenever Merlin or Clancy tried to talk to me about it. And I immersed myself in the investigation, determined to solve the human riddle before the metaphysical one caught up with me.”

Tony’s cheeks puffed out as he nodded. “I remember how driven you were to find those girls, I just couldn’t understand why you were taking it so personally.”

“It was very personal,” Nox replied, holding up his hands. “Close your eyes,” he said but Tony drew back.

“What else are you going to show me?” he asked, suddenly afraid.

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