Page 24 of Saul

The Coast Guard responded pretty quickly, as they had been patrolling in the area as promised. So did the EMTs, who had a battle on their hands to get May-belle to accompany them to be properly checked out. She only agreed when Ryder stepped up and promised he would collect her tomorrow, so she wouldn’t miss the wedding.

It was at that point that Ricky burst into tears and started almost hyperventilating. Chris announced they were going upstairs. I stood to go as well, but the cops still wanted my individual account, which took another hour. Chris heard them ask, shot me a look, then rushed Ricky and Calvin out of the door and all the cops surrounded me.

When they were done, I didn’t wait for Daniel, who was heading in my direction, just ran upstairs. I hadn’t even collected my wallet for the key, so I just rapped on the door. “It’s me.”

Chris opened it, looking contrite because he knew he’d pretty much abandoned me downstairs to the cops, and I roughly shoved past him, absolutely furious. Ricky was curled up on the sofa, asleep. “Where is he?”

“He wanted to go to bed,” Chris said. “So we stayed until you got back. Ricky was distraught…” and I sent him a look whichshould have incinerated him on the spot for leaving Calvin alone, but turned and walked into the bedroom.

“Get out,” I snapped, closing the door behind me. The bed was empty, and I shot to the bathroom, but that was empty as well.

I barely heard the noise through the pulse thundering in my ears, but my gaze fell on the closet and, taking a steadying breath, I opened the door. Calvin didn’t even look at me. He was sitting in the corner clutching Tiny and trying to be as small as possible. The diaper was on the floor in shredded pieces. “Baby?” I hunkered down and reached out my hand, and he cringed away.

I froze at his rejection.

“Calvin?” I tried again. “It’s me, Daddy.”

He looked up at me then, and something inside me broke at his tear-stained, ravaged face. I would kill Chris for this. But he shook his head. “No, you’re not. You’re just pretending for the weekend.”

I didn’t know how to fix this, and knew empty promises wouldn’t work, so I just sat down next to him and put my head against the wall. I heard the outside door close, so I knew Ricky and Chris had gone. I was silent for a long moment. I knew he’d been embarrassed downstairs by that fucker who’d singled him out, but…no, this wasn’t just about that. I honestly didn’t think it was about the delay in coming upstairs, either. This was something else, and I was completely out of my depth. The one person who I could have asked had just let us both down. I scrubbed my face. I knew what adrenaline dips felt like, and Calvin was showing all the classic signs.

He was trembling. I stood and walked back into the bedroom, grabbing his blanket and a spare, then went back and calmly tucked his blanket all around him, then added the second one. Then I went to the small kitchen and opened the top cupboard. Glasses, mugs, and at the back was a kid’s set of plates and cupsand even better, there was one with a top. I warmed up some milk and added a packet of hot chocolate, then a little cool milk so it wouldn’t burn his tongue and transferred it into the sippy cup.

Calvin hadn’t moved when I got back, so I sat back down and held out the cup. “It’s hot chocolate,” and I silently begged him to respond. He turned his head and stared at the little blue cup, then just about exploded.

“I’m not a child!” he yelled and slapped the cup out of my hands, and it flew against the wall and splattered hot chocolate everywhere. Then he burst into fresh sobs and, out of ideas, I just went with my instincts and picked him up. He thrashed and tried to punch and kick, but I held him close and murmured to him gently. “I’ve got you, baby. Daddy’s here. You’re okay. Hush, baby.” And sobbing, he seemed to collapse in my arms. I held him for a long time until the storm passed, and he grew quieter. I never wanted to let go.

“They used to have a lot of parties.”

I rocked him gently and brushed a kiss on his hair, and I took a wild guess with what little I knew. “Your mom and dad?”

“Dad first, but then she kicked him out, and it was just boyfriends then. But the parties got worse after Dad left. She started locking my door for longer. I don’t know whether it was to keep me in or to keep her friends out that were looking for a bed. I can’t remember exactly how old I was the first time she didn’t unlock the door the next morning. I just remember wanting to pee badly, but the door wouldn’t budge. I tried to go to sleep again, but when I woke up, I’d peed the bed.”

I closed my eyes in despair. This was it. This was the trauma.Or one of them.

“She was so mad, but she used to go to one of the churches for food and the next day she brought home some toddler trainingpants as well. Made me wear them every time she locked my door, and if I had to use them, she’d punish me.”

What a complete shitstorm.“And the first time you trust that you’re safe to wear something similar, this happens. That fucker was just as bad as your mom.”

“No,” Calvin said dispassionately, almost matter-of-fact. “I think mom was worse.”

“And then I let you down as well.” I’d been too focused on making sure those fuckers went down and stayed that way. “I wanted to murder Chris when he left me downstairs to face the cops.”

“Ricky has asthma.”

That stunned me. “He does?” I’d never seen Ricky with an inhaler, but then I’d only known the guy properly two days. Chris rarely brought him to the office.

“Stress is one of his triggers, and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Chris had to get him out of there.” Calvin seemed quieter, but exhausted.

We needed to talk about us, but I had to get Calvin through this damn wedding first. “I think you need to go to bed, baby.”

Calvin just nodded, and he didn’t object as I helped him up, then helped him to the bedroom. “Do you want a bath?”

He just shook his head and went inside. He closed the door, but I wasn’t having any of that, and followed him, turning on the water to wash his hands. When he’d finished, I got his toothbrush, added paste, and handed it to him. I even wanted to help with that, but he hadn’t objected to my presence, so I didn’t push it and copied him.

He left the bathroom a moment before me and picked up Tiny from the bed and crawled in. I knew the closet was a mess, but I’d wait until he’d gone to sleep then clear it up. At least both suits were covered by plastic. I got in bed and lay up close, mychest to his back. He didn’t object, but he didn’t seem to take any comfort from it either.

“I’m sorry, Saul,” he said in a quiet voice.

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