Page 45 of Unexpected Delivery

Holding her, I sway back and forth, and that soothes her a little. I keep that up for a while until her eyes get heavy, then a little longer just to be safe. Once ten or more minutes have passed, I try to put her down in her bassinet. She stays quiet long enough for me to get to the edge of the bed before starting to fuss again.

I’ve heard about postpartum rage or anger that comes from nowhere.

The fact my foot stamps against the floor, and I let out a sound something like a growl, has me stumbling back a step.

This isn’t me.

I’m not an angry person, but it feels like the world has it out for me. It’s the constant upheaval since I left Arizona. The fact I didn’t even get to have a relaxed and safe birth at the hospital—which then leads to another round of me beating myself up about how I handled things that night.

And it goes on while Gracie wails.

I stomp over to the bassinet, struggling with the tears that burn in my eyes.

A heavy sigh escapes as I lift Gracie. She continues to fuss as I rock her, but it’s nothing compared to before.

My stomach churns with some combination of frustration and guilt. She’s clearly happier when she’s being held, but I need rest too.

I’m trying so hard to be a good mom. To do everything right. And I’m still failing at everything.

“Shh, we’re okay,” I hiccup as the tears fall. I’m in motion, heading out of the bedroom before I can stop myself. I’m feeling a little like I’m losing my mind, and that means it’s time to suck it up and ask for help.

I make my way up the stairs and down the hallway until I come to a stop at Morris’s door.

This is so embarrassing, but he told me if I needed anything, all I had to do was say the word. And I really need some support right now.

He doesn’t answer when I knock gently, so I open the handle and walk inside.

Gracie is no longer sobbing, but that’s because I’ve been moving. She loves the motion of walking or swaying. It’s just when I stop that the never-ending crying starts back up.

Morris lies stretched out on his bed with an arm thrown over his eyes.

It’s dark and the room smells like rich coffee. I bounce Gracie to try to keep her quiet as I come to a stop at the edge of the bed.

“Morris?” I whisper. His legs stretch under the comforter, but he doesn’t respond. Cradling Gracie to my shoulder, I bend and give him a gentle shove. “Morris…”

His arm flies from covering his face, and he wraps his forearm around my backside. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I frown, shaking my head. “We’re okay. I’m sorry to wake you, I just really need some help. Gracie won’t stop crying. She’s been so fussy the last few days, and?—”

“Okay, let me take over.” Morris’s huge hand slides over my lower back, and he sits up. “She has been extra fussy. I wonder if it could be colic.”

I place Gracie in the crook of his arm, my shoulders bouncing. “I have no idea. She has an appointment in a few days, but maybe I should take her in before that?”

“Maybe.” He rocks Gracie against his chest and scoots deeper into his bed. “We can keep an eye on how she’s acting. If your mommy intuition is telling you something isn’t right, then it couldn’t hurt to get her checked out.” His hand falls from my back, and he pats the mattress. “Why don’t you snuggle in my bed? I’ll take Gracie back down to your room. I can warm up some of the expressed breast milk for her next feed.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, tugging back the comforter and climbing onto the bed.

“You rest. I’ll feed her the next go round. Do you want me to wake you up for the one after that, or do you want to sleep until you wake up naturally?”

My arm flies to my chest, pushing back against my breasts. I have no idea why, but sometimes I can tell if I’m going to need to pump or feed her relatively soon. “Yeah, you probably better wake me for the next one.”

He smiles, nodding at the pillows.

“Sounds good. Now, you get some sleep.” Morris tugs the blanket up and twists, kissing my cheek.

His lips are warm, and a huge part of me wishes he could cuddle next to me while I fall back to sleep, but someone has to take care of Gracie. Being surrounded by his scent will have to do.

Chapter Seventeen

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