Page 5 of Subbing For Santa

I hate this time of year. A time for families and friends to come together, yet here I am all alone.

I don’t know where my mum and sister ended up after I left them over ten years ago. Are they even still alive? Did their lives turn out better after what I did? Or worse?

I often wonder where they are, or how they are spending their Christmas’ this time of year. I wonder if they have traditions now. New people to share the holiday with.

I guess I’ll never know, and perhaps having a normal Christmas like everyone else out there in the world is something I’ll never know either.

The thought isn’t new to me, and like so many times before, my emotions kick in. A tear pops free, searing my cheek as it travels down, and I give in to the heartache clawing at me, and allow myself to sink into the darkness surrounding me. I let go of the barriers I usually keep in place to not think about my past, and for the first time in a long time, I let the memories slam back in with so much force that a scream rips from my lungs.

Sleep only comes hours later, after I’ve spiralled into such an exhaustion of internal pain that I can no longer stay awake.

Santa

Mylittleelfisscared. She’s surrounded herself with the flicker of candles as she tries to mentally accept what’s happening.

Perhaps she thinks I’m a psychopath. Maybe she’s right to think that. Maybe not. But she should be scared. I need her to be scared. I need to see how she handles the fear. How she copes.

I’m not prepared for her tears though, or the heartbreaking scream that rips from her lungs.

Fury washes through me as I try to piece together what the hell is going on. That scream wasn’t from fear. It held too much pain.

My little elf is hurting.

I have to fight really fucking hard not to go to her. Of course, if I did, she’d probably kick me in the nuts. She doesn’t know who I am. I’m nothing but a stranger to her, even though she’s anything but to me.

So here I sit, watching my little elf battle emotions I’m not privy to until she finally cries herself to sleep.

What is going on in that head of yours, little elf?

Chapter three

Vibing with Friends

Agatha

Inthelightofa new day, I drag myself out of last night’s pity party and focus on my daily routine. I try hard to ignore the fact that the power is still out, instead embracing the cold shower and setting myself up on the deck overlooking the lake for my morning yoga and meditation.

I try hard to focus, forcing my empowering mantras past my lips as I work for calm and peace.

“Every day, I get stronger. Everything I need is within me. I love myself. I believe in myself. I support myself.”

I meditate for longer than usual today, needing more time to centre myself and remain in a good place to help me get through the rest of the day.

After I finally feel like myself again, I move inside and eat some fruit before deciding to re-check the meter box, only to find it’s still locked.

And it remains that way the other six times I check throughout the day.

The urge to stand this fucker up and do the complete opposite of what he asked plays on my mind. I can cancel my dinner plans with my friends. I can stay home and not put that lingerie on, or insert the toy, however, I can’t bring myself to do that.

Maybe it’s my loneliness, or maybe it’s utter idiocy, but I can’t bring myself to cancel my plans because then, whatever this is with the stranger will be over before it’s really begun. And yes, I know that sounds like the dumbest reason ever, but the thought of drowning in my loneliness is terrifying.

I’ll admit, just thinking about playing this game with a man I don’t know sends a thrill of excitement through me. I’ve never considered myself an adrenaline junkie, but shit, I must be a junkie of some sort to be going along with this so willingly.

I also know if I cancel and end this game with this so-called Santa, I’ll end up dwelling over my curiosity, and wondering what would have happened if I had followed the command. I’ll end up pulling my hair out with frustration over who on earth this man is, and how the hell he knows me. The identity of this man would forever tease me.

I know if I go through with it, I’ll find out if this man’s intentions are decent or not. I’ll learn if this is really just a Dom and sub game, or if he means me harm.

See where my head is at? He could be planning to kill me, yet I’m willing to take the gamble that his only interest is in pleasuring me.

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