Page 69 of Beautiful Losers

He says it in the same tone you’d use to announceyou’d just taken the bins out. I’m thrown by the mention of his soon-to-be ex-wife.

‘Oh, really?’ I say, in my best attempt at a breezy tone. I take a gulp of water and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

‘She says she’s spent the summer watching her sister and brother-in-law argue over custody details. She’s decided not to move to the States. She wants to see if there’s anything still there between us.’

‘And what do you think?’ I say hesitantly.

Jack exhales slowly. ‘Honestly? I think my marriage has been over for a long time. We’d be getting back together solely for Max, on my part anyway. I feel like maybe we could have made it work, but my heart isn’t in it anymore. It’s very much somewhere else.’

He shoots me a nervous side glance and I feel like my heart has doubled in size.

‘So …’ Jack looks down at the ground, feigning interest in a stone beside his left foot. ‘I know we haven’t talked about this, and maybe it’s presumptuous of me given we’ve been in each other’s lives for all of five minutes …’

I wince, remembering what I said at Leonard’s house.

‘But I think there’s something real here,’ he says. ‘These past few weeks, I’ve felt more myself, more aligned with the world than I have done in years. And that’s down to you. You challenge me, in a good way. Don’t get me wrong, you’re an incredibly frustrating person and you tend to make life needlessly complicated for yourself and everyone around you, but I love talking toyou, and when I’m with you, I can see how I could be different, how I could be better. And I think …I thinkyou know I might be good for you, too?’

I beam, unable to process what’s happening. Jack wants us to be together.

‘I know you’re good for me too,’ I say, reaching for his hand.

He looks at me with such warmth and affection, I want to hold on to this moment, remember what it feels like to be looked at like this, to be loved like this. To know that if this is all I’ll ever get, it’s enough.

‘I know it’ll be tricky at first, with you being here and me in the UK,’ Jack says, squeezing my hand. ‘But once you and Ari are back to Dublin, it’ll be a breeze. We can see each other every weekend. I’ll come over to you, bring you guys to London. Ari and Max can get to know each other. Max has always wanted a younger brother.’

My heart sinks. Dublin.

‘What’s the matter?’ says Jack, reading my thoughts.

‘What if I didn’t go back to Ireland?’ I say. ‘What if I stayed in France?’

‘Why would you stay here? I thought they found a buyer for the guesthouse?’

‘They have, but I want to stay. I haven’t figured it all out yet. All I know is, I can’t go back, only forward.’

Jack frowns. ‘Fiadh, I need to be in London. It’s where Max is. I’ve already missed so much this past year. I don’t want to miss him grow up.’

‘I would never ask you to do that,’ I say, shaking my head firmly.

His face crumples. ‘I’m not ready to lose this,’ he says.

I’m not either. I want to be with Jack with every fibre of my being, but Ineedto stay here. For me, for Ari. I can’t continue to allow life to happen to me. Decisions to be made for me. I don’t know what’s next. It’s time I figured that out.

‘You want to know something?’ I say. ‘I’d rather have these past few weeks and lose you than carry on as I was, us having never met.’

‘I’m sorry, have you been listening to New Radicals? Where is this optimism coming from?’

‘It’s not optimism. A wise person told me hope is better, so I’m gonna roll with that for a while, see where it takes me.’

‘Oh yeah?’ he says, grinning. ‘Who said that?’

‘Chuck Noland.’

‘Who?’ He looks perplexed.

‘FromCast Away.’

‘Tom Hanks again? Seriously? You’re obsessed.’

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