Page 54 of Beautiful Losers

‘Happy birthday, by the way,’ Jack says, without taking his eyes off the view.

I turn to him, mouth open.

‘How did you …?’

‘Heard you talking to the Galway Guru earlier.’

‘Cillian’s from Wexford,’ I say.

‘Whatever. I wasn’t eavesdropping. I couldn’t get my shower to work again and you said last time it was okay to use the one beside your room.’

‘Not a problem. I’ll have a look at it when we get back. Were you there for the bit where Cillian told me he was engaged?’

Jack inhales through his teeth. ‘Shit. Sorry. That’s gotta sting.’

‘Not really,’ I say, taking a sip of beer. ‘Maybe a bit. I’m not in love with him anymore if that’s what you mean.’

‘Can I be frank?’ Jack turns to me.

I nod.

‘Your ex seems like a narcissist.’

‘Who isn’t these days?’ I say.

‘Yeah, but come on, he announced his engagement on your birthday. Who does that?’

‘Oh, that’s nothing. Cillian has form. In the build-up to the abortion referendum, my friend Yiv helped organise this big rally outside Dublin Castle. She was making a speech and everything. For the occasion, Cillian got a t-shirt made that said, “In Awe of Mná” – that’s Irish for “women”.’

‘I know whatmnámeans. I did a couple of hours of Irish on Duolingo.’

‘Why did you learn Irish?’

‘Sadbh, the producer onSunrise Britain?I dated her a few times.’

‘Of course you did. Anyway, when they saw the t-shirt, a camera crew from RTÉ News asked if they could interview Cillian. He started crying halfway through, talking about how amazing women were and how he felt our pain, not in a literal sense because he didn’t share our lived experience of being female, but on a metaphorical level. ‘Abortion Guy’ became a meme on Twitter and everyone was talking about what a great lad Cillian was. It did the cause no harm. If anything, his performance seemed to bring older voters round. Irish mammies love a sensitive man. He means well, Cillian. He just doesn’t know how not to make everything about him.’

‘So what did you see in him? He doesn’t seem like the right guy for you.’

I turn to Jack. ‘Oh, so tell me – who is the right guy for me?’ I say playfully.

Jack flushes, almost imperceptibly – you don’tspend a decade on national TV without becoming adept at hiding your emotions – but it’s unmistakable. He’s uncomfortable. Is he nervous around me? Is it possible I have the same destabilising effect on him as he has on me? I feel a thrill of pleasure at the thought.

He clears his throat. ‘What I mean is, you’re too straight up for all that bullshit.’ He picks at the label on his bottle, avoiding eye contact.

I reflect for a second. ‘Enthusiasm – that’s what I saw in Cillian. Even if the thing he’s enthused about is himself, it’s nice to be around, you know? Cillian doesn’t get beaten down by life. He doesn’t look at the world and see a shit show. He sees potential. And I think that’s what bothered me when he told me he’d proposed to Nicole. Because while I was still the woman in his life, being Ari’s mum and all, I felt like I still had potential. That maybe I had more to offer.’

‘You don’t feel that way now?’

‘I’m a forty-year-old single mum, who’s spent most of her life savings on somebody else’s failing business. I don’t speak to either of my parents and I’ve been too chicken shit to go after the life I wanted. I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as a high achiever, would you?’

I laugh, but it doesn’t feel funny.

‘What about Ari?’ says Jack. ‘You’ve done a great job with him. I can’t imagine it’s been easy for either of you with his dad halfway across the world and having to start over and learn a new language. But he’s thriving. You should be proud of how you’re raising him. He’s a fantastic kid.’

‘For the boy inThe Shining?’

Jack’s face drops. ‘You heard that?’

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