Page 6 of With You

My heart begins to thump erratically in my chest, and tears fill my eyes as I reminisce on my letter and all the things he wrote to me. Julian’s smile turns a little sad, and I know he’s thinking about his own letters and his own choices.

As if he can read my mind, he offers me a subtle shake of his head and leans forward, quickly whispering in my ear, “I don’t regret a single thing.”

“I love you,”I mouth just before we both tune back in to Victoria’s speech.

“As one would expect, there was a long list of things Rhett asked me to do, as the oldest sibling. Some were funny and ridiculous. And some…” Vic’s voice cracks as she continues. “And some broke my heart,” she confesses. “And some, on a day like today, almost feel prophetic.”

Victoria turns her body to face Julian and me, careful not to drop her gaze or lose the connection. As she starts speaking again, I realize she’s no longer reading from the page, because she’s memorized the words.

For this moment, or because she’s read it so many times, I don’t know.

“On a serious note,” Vic starts, and I realize she’s jumping straight into the part of the letter she wants to share. “Everything in this letter is just a guide, it’s an option, because who am I to tell you how to live your life? I barely lived mine.” She pauses, because I know not everyone understood Rhett’s dark humor. “But there is one thing that isn’t negotiable.”

Victoria’s familiar eyes dart between us before she says, “Deacon and Julian need one another. I know there’s distance and animosity and a whole lot of love lost between them.”

I hear the words in her pause loud and clear.

Because of Mom.

“But they are two of the best people I know, and I wish they knew that about themselves. I wish they knew that grief is easier shared, and that moving forward doesn’t always mean they can’t sometimes look back.

“I’m here. I’ll always be here. For all of you. Cheering you on. Wishing I was there. Kiss Lia for me. Love you, Vic. Love you all.”

The sob that wrenches itself out of my mouth surprises me the most. I tug my hands from Julian’s hold and bury my head in them instantly.

My shoulders shake as I struggle to regulate my emotions. It isn’t shame or embarrassment, but just the overwhelming sensation of being taken care of and understood, in a way I was never able to experience when he was alive.

The uncertainty from earlier shifts into that familiar, ever-present coexistence of grief and gratitude.

I feel firm arms circle my body and lips against my neck. It isn’t often I allow myself to fall apart, and I never would’ve chosen for it to happen today, in front of everyone. But hearing those words out of Victoria’s mouth and knowing what Rhetthad asked of me in my letter, I can’t help but wonder what he saw that we didn’t.

He was so certain and so sure. And that’s more than enough for me.

It solidified what I so often knew, but regretfully allowed myself to be insecure about.

This is right. Julian and I are right. And everyone here in this room knows it too.

As my tears subside, and my breathing steadies, my arms make their way around Julian. Hugging him to me, my head nestles in the crook of his neck. As always, he is my comfort and my rock, patient as ever, making sure I’m okay.

Slowly, I lift my head up and meet Julian’s tear-filled eyes.

“I promise, we will get married at some point today,” I joke.

“You know I’ll wait,” he says, the softest, most beautiful smile painted on his face.

He presses his lips to mine, comforting me when Wade’s hands land on our shoulders, pulling us apart. “No kissing, folks, we still have some vows to get through.”

Knowing what’s coming next, I don’t even bother wiping my eyes. Feeling a lot more exposed and vulnerable than I expected, I know it won’t be an easy feat to get through my vows without breaking down again.

Inhaling, I steady my breath and just bask in the occasion. Even with the inundation of tears, emotions and confessions, I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime moment. Everything we’ve endured and experienced has led us here. Every step, every fight, every apology.

Every single time I said I love you.

“And because I’m certain we all want to cry again, it’s time for these two gentlemen to exchange their vows,” Wade says, steering the ceremony back on track.

Everyone laughs, and as they do, I grab Julian’s hands in mine, my only focus, him. I tighten my hold and try to ignore my quickening pulse, hoping that all the nights I spent, pen to paper, writing and rewriting, memorizing and reciting—over and over again—was enough.

Glancing at Wade, he offers me a nod, and I take it as my cue. A blanket of silence falls over the room, and I feel the air tightening around us, closing us in, both of us back in our bubble.

---