Page 15 of With You

Soft lips press against the back of my neck, and goosebumps erupt all over my skin as strong arms wrap around my waist. My body relaxes into his as Deacon rests his chin on my shoulder, both of us staring at the little girl who has changed our very existence. From the inside out, every part of us is different now. It’s like you lay eyes on your child for the first time and, on autopilot, your mind and heart shift and change to accommodate and you’re no longer the man who loves another man unconditionally. You’re now the man who loves another man unconditionallyandwill lay your life at the feet of his family to love and adore and protect and to serve.

I remember our first conversation about having our own children, both of us naked, wrapped up in one another on our wedding night, two years ago, the amount of love between us incomparable. My chest felt like it was going to explode, and every touch from Deacon made me feel weightless and invincible.

“Do you want to have kids?”he’d whispered into the night air.

His question conjured up image after image of a life I never even thought to dream of. A life filled with a myriad of love and care and happiness neither of us had grown up with.

I could see it, clear as day—love founded in the depths of despair, made way for a life both of us so desperately wanted.

“We’re going to spend the whole night watching her, aren’t we?” Deacon says quietly.

I answer with a nod. “I’m afraid so.”

Standing there, in silence, I feel the love between us and for her grow, inch by inch with every second that passes. I take in her round face and cherubic cheeks, all red and flustered from her crying. Her lips press together in an adorable pout, and it takes all my strength not to pick her up and cradle her to my chest.

“Come on, baby,” Deacon says, walking me backward. “You need to sleep.”

After I fuss over the baby monitor and make sure to leave the bedroom door ajar, I find Deacon sitting on the edge of our bed, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

Walking over, I stand in front of him and nudge his legs apart so I can stand between them. Dropping his hands, he tips his head up to look at me, eyes meeting mine as he places his hands on my hips.

I thread my fingers through the strands of his short hair. “Are you okay?”

He exhales, heavy and loud, but I don’t miss the way his eyes begin to well with unshed tears. “I don’t think it ever really hit home, how much they went through till we had her.”

My chest feels tight, guilt and sadness sitting heavy on my shoulders. Two years ago, our friends, Jesse and Leo, lost their daughter, and today we were given the privilege of joining themas they commemorate her memory. While having empathy is one thing, imagining it to be your own child is almost paralyzing.

“I don’t ever want to know what that feels like,” I add.

“I thought with Rhett, we kind of knew what grief looked like, but losing your child…” His voice trails off, and I don’t have to be a mind reader to know where his thoughts are headed.

Or how often he’s had these thoughts since having Reese.

“Maybe I was?—”

I tighten my hold on his hair, pulling his head back, ensuring he’s looking at nothing else but me.

“Don’t,” I say firmly, holding his gaze. “Don’t make excuses for her.”

He shakes his head, trying to loosen my grip on him, but I don’t budge.

“It’s not the same thing,” I remind him.

“She lost her son,” he argues. “I can’t imagine?—”

I place my hand over his mouth, silencing him. “It’s not about Rhett dying, and you know it.”

His silence was expected, but still bothers me. It’s always where the conversation ends up lately, but the way the text message on my phone felt like it was burning a hole in my pocket, I know we’re going to have to talk about her very soon.

For years, it was understood that she was no longer part of our lives; everyone knew that. Our decision wasn’t easy, but there was no denying it needed to happen. Elaine Sutton was not someone who brought anything positive to our lives. It was surreal to connect this version of her to the version of the woman who practically raised me, but it wasn’t enough for me to falter when it came to putting Deacon first.

Having Reese has softened us both. Becoming parents is everything you ever imagined, while simultaneously being unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before.

I have loved blood relatives, I have found family in strangers, but nothing ever compares to something that is only yours. I thought my heart was full with Deacon in my life, but nobody prepared me for my own capacity to love beyond him.

It also made it even harder for me to comprehend how Elaine treated Deacon poorly for so long. Especially when he was finding his feet as a person.

I drop my hand from his mouth. “It’s been a long day,” I say on a sigh. “And Reese will be up soon.”

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