Page 49 of What We Broke

“Jesse, is it safe to say reconciliation is an option for you?”

I want to roll my eyes, because the word feels so inadequate for what I want for us, but I nod anyway.

“And you, Leo?”

He’s biting his cuticles, brows knitted together, thinking impossibly hard. I can’t read him, but I’m desperate to hear his answer. Is there a way I can get through to him?

Is there a way I can make him want to fight for us or make him want to stay?

“I don’t know,” he answers, and I have to be grateful for his honesty. “I want to say yes.” He meets my gaze. “But I don’t even feel like we know one another anymore.”

“Could you get to know one another again,” she suggests. “Maybe—”

“I don’t mean it like that,” he cuts her off and shakes his head. “We’re just not the same anymore.I’mnot the same,” he confesses. “I don’t know how to be anything else but this.” He gestures at himself, waving his hand up and down his body. “I don’t know how to do anything but exist as this sad man.”

I don’t know how many times he needs to hear it, but it’s worth repeating. “Leo, I don’t care if you exist as this sad man for the rest of our lives.”

“But I care,” he shouts. “I don’t think I want to change, but I don’t want to make you live like this.”

Whether he realizes it or not, this is the first time he’s ever made mention of me and my feelings and that he cares about them.

It’s dangerous, because I want to latch on to it like a lifeline.

“Why can’t I make that decision for myself?” I ask. “Why can’t I tell you what I can and can’t handle? What I do and don’t want?”

“Because we both know you’ll stay,” he says softly. “We both know your happiness comes last. It always has.”

He isn’t wrong, but I don’t know why he sees it as a bad thing when I don’t. When I’m taking care of the people I love, I’m happy; it’s that simple.

“Jesse.” Dr. Sosa’s voice interrupts us, reminding me she’s been here the whole time.

Without realizing it, my elbows are leaning on my knees, my hands are steepled together, and my shoulders are hunched forward. I tilt my head to look at her.

“I think it’s important to acknowledge that Leo is concerned about you,” she states, mirroring my earlier thoughts. “And, Leo, I also think it’s important for you to trust that it’s Jesse’s responsibility to tell you when and if he’s no longer happy in the marriage.

“Communication is so important, especially when everything is so fragile. I encourage couples to find a way to keep that line open with one another always. Otherwise, there is too much room for error, misunderstanding, and assumptions.”

“He’s not going to admit to being unhappy,” Leo says at the same time as I say, “He won’t believe me anyway.”

“I think it would be great if you two worked on that.” She resumes twirling her pen between her fingers. “Trusting the other enough to take what they say at face value is very important,” she implores. “If you can think of one thing to say to each other before we end the session, it might help encourage you to keep it going when you leave.”

She gives us both a soft, encouraging smile, and I try to rack my brain with something to say. Something he maybe doesn’t already know but needs to hear.

But nothing comes.

The silence permeates the room and we both just sit here, feeling a little too raw and exposed in Dr. Sosa’s presence.

She clears her throat. “I think that was a good session. But before you go, I would like to revisit your goals.

“There is no rush on your healing, but I would like to see you both comfortable with the direction of your relationship sooner rather than later. Deciding on a period of time also allows for you both to manage your expectations.”

Leo and I look at each other, and I know neither one of us is going to offer up what she’s asking.

“Can you suggest what would be a good amount of time to commit to this type of therapy?” I ask her.

“Absolutely,” she confirms. “In these instances, I usually recommend once-a-week sessions for three months, each session being an hour long.” She looks between us. “Would that work for both of you?”

Leo surprises me when he answers for us. “Yes. I think three months will work perfectly.”

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