Page 44 of What We Broke

“The usual. She walks into their house and forgets I ever existed. It’s quite offensive, actually, considering I gave birth to her.”

If there is one thing I’ve noticed about Jesse, it’s how much he loves talking about his daughter. And I love hearing it.

It’s the perfect place to start the evening. “Tell me,” I say, looking from Jesse to Zara. “What’s Jesse like as a father?”

The question seems to put a smile on both their faces, obviously Raine being a favorite topic of conversation for both of them. Zara leaves the kitchen for a few minutes and comes back with a stack of photo journals I was not expecting to see.

Jesse grabs a few off the top and flicks quickly through the pages before handing them over to me.

Each photo of Jesse and Raine is like seeing Jesse for the first time. I thought the way he looks at me was enough to have me fall in love with him.

But with how he looks at Raine in these photos, I’m ready to marry him here and now.

The journals perfectly document Jesse and Zara’s transformation from teenagers to adulthood, while Raine, who is the spitting image of Zara, continued to grow with them.

“These are beautiful,” I tell them. “And such a good idea.”

“Zara is behind all the creativity,” Jesse informs me. “And I almost always forget to take photos.”

They’re a picture-perfect family, the love between the three of them emanating off the pages.

An unnamed emotion lodges itself on the inside of my rib cage. It feels a lot like jealousy, but I’m not sure what exactly I’m jealous of.

Of what they have together or the ease in which it comes? It feels like a standard that’s almost impossible to measure up to. Like adding me to the mix might ruin their dynamic, and that makes me feel all sorts of ways.

Surprising myself, I look up at Zara. “Will you have any more kids?”

She’s quick to shake her head. “I am one hundred percent content with the way things are. What about you?” she asks.

I glance at Jesse, who’s sitting there, hanging on my every word. “Is there a right or wrong answer here?” I half-heartedly joke.

This isn’t exactly the type of conversation you have with your boyfriend and his best friend/baby mama, but that isn’t the reason I was thrown off.

I’d never really thought about it before, because I never saw myself in this situation. “I’m not opposed to it,” I say honestly. I want to amend that I’m not opposed to it with Jesse, because I would be lying if I thought I could possibly feel this way about anybody else in the same lifetime.

It doesn’t help that as a gay man I automatically default to not thinking about long-term relationships, marriage, and children. Just like straight people, I’m certain there are a large number of queer people who want those traditional things, but I’m even more certain that there is an even bigger number who think those things aren’t an option for them.

I fall somewhere in between.

It’s my turn to ask Jesse now. Privacy be damned, Zara very much obviously part of the conversation. “What about you?”

His hand now squeezes my thigh, his attention only on me. “I’ll have kids with you.”

My chest tightens and a blush creeps up my neck and onto my cheeks. Zara makes a gagging sound, just to tease us.

It’s the levity I need, while Jesse just continues to hold my gaze, completely unfazed by the way he just stole the breath right out of my lungs.

When the words don’t come, I grab a fistful of his shirt and drag him to me, melding his lips to mine. He doesn’t hesitate to kiss me back, his hands on my neck, keeping us in place. The kiss deepens without a care in the world that this is Zara’s kitchen or that she’s our audience.

Every kiss with Jesse peels away another layer of the protection I try to keep around myself. It’s always raw and vulnerable, and it’s getting harder to keep my old walls up and my new feelings hidden. He turns the most mundane things into memories that will stay with me till the day I die.

With the simplest of words, he is changing me. Digging himself so deep beneath the surface, I don’t know any other way to show him just how much I love whatever it is we’re starting but to be touching him. All the time, in any way I can.

“Okay then,” Zara says as we pull apart. “I guess I can get used to that.”

I lean my forehead against Jesse’s and smile at her words. I turn to look at her. “Does that mean I get to stay?”

Her eyes soften, the humor being replaced by adoration, as she shifts her gaze to Jesse but answers me. “You get to stay.”

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