Page 75 of Without You

Resting my elbow on the arm of my office chair, I rub my hand over my mouth, covering my widening smile. His reaction is ridiculous, yet extremely entertaining.

I wish he was wrong in his observation, but he isn’t. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and I’d be lying to both of us if I said I hadn’t noticed my mood change. I know when it started. I know the reason. But I don’t have a single idea on how I’m supposed to tell my best friend that I’m fucking giddy thanks to my dead brother’s boyfriend.

Wade walks from his end of the office space to mine and turns the chair that sits on the opposite side of my desk. With the back of it facing me, he sits down, resting his chin on the top of the chair.

“I’m not moving from this spot till you tell me.”

“We’re really doing this?” I ask.

“Fuck yeah, we are. If you’re happy I want to know why and who to fucking thank.”

“You make it sound like I’m fucking miserable,” I chide. “You know my brother died right?”

“Bro,” he says, slowly shaking his head. “That was a terrible thing sure, but you’re different lately, and what I’m talking about comes from here.” He curls his hands into a fist and taps it over his heart. “When you’re really happy, you feel it rightthere.”

I feel my chest expanding with warmth at Wade’s explanation, because I know what he’s talking about. Like my heart was a deflated balloon that’s now, slowly, getting fuller every day.

Small tufts of air, infusions of life, that are sneaking up on me every time I speak to Julian. Since the night he called, we talk and text at all hours. Early. Late. For something insignificant, and for things that are important.

I want to say we’re friends, and for some people, that much communication is normal for friends, but for this surly, closed off bastard, this means something. This meansmorethan something.

“It’s a guy,” I blurt out.

I’ve got to give it to Wade, because his face doesn’t falter, not even for a second. I know he’s got nothing against gay people, so that isn’t my issue, but seeing as I, his best friend, have never shown any interest in the same sex, I was expecting some kind of shock from him.

He’s thoughtfully quiet, and I hold off on telling him who it is, because I’m not ready to hear his opinion on it. I don’t want to be told I may have found something that’s making me happy, only to hear later it’s not mine to have.

Throwing my hands up in the air in frustration, I yell, “Really? You’re not going to say anything?”

“Like I said,” he starts. “You’re happy, so the rest doesn’t matter.”

“Like fuck it doesn’t matter. You’re not even going to ask me who it is? Or how it started?”

He narrows his eyes at me. “Should I be asking who it is and how it started?”

I push my chair back and eagerly stand, needing to move. With my fingers pulling and pinching at my bottom lip, I pace up and down the length of our office.

It’s crazy how telling him who it is feels more daunting than telling him I’m into another man.

Turning to face him, I meet his curious gaze. “It’s Julian,” I say carefully.

This time he does flinch. It’s subtle and only for a moment, but I don’t miss it. His face scrunches up. “Are you guys, like, together now?”

“What?” I run a hand through my hair. “No, it’s not like that.”

Sighing, I sit back down and steeple my fingers over my nose.What the fuck is it like?

“What’s it like then?” he prods.

Lowering my arms, I cross them over my chest. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

“Break it down for me.” Intentional or not, his tone is petulant, and it pisses me off.

“Don’t talk to me like an idiot,” I say through clenched teeth. “I was happy not to tell you—”

“Fine,” he interjects. “You’re right. I just don’t know how you went from barely giving the guy the time of day, to this.”

“One minute we were bickering and the next we weren’t.” I swallow hard. “I’ve spoken to him almost every day since I left Montana, and I’m not sure what to do with that.”

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