Page 31 of Without You

Eventually, Lia settles, and Julian and I focus on the priest and his words. From what my father explained to me this morning, there will be a quick mention of Rhett and the fact it’s been one year since he’s passed, and if I blink for too long, we’ll miss it.

When I asked why it was even necessary, he said, ‘it’s not. It’s for your mother.’ So, like everyone else, I try to focus on the sermon, so I don’t miss hearing my brother’s name. But I get lost in thought, staring at Lia and her sandy blonde hair. The way her layered curls fall across the span of her shoulders. How the only time I’ve seen her in the past year has been through a phone screen; missing every which way she’s been growing.

I didn’t know how much I would love being an uncle until Lia was born. It didn’t matter what relationship we all had with one another, we always came together for Lia. Even with the distance between us Victoria never made me feel left out, sending me photos, using FaceTime once a week, making sure Lia knew who Uncle Deacon was.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to holding her, watching her smile, hearing her laugh. As if she knows I’m thinking about her, she squirms in my arms, working out her next move.

She crawls back into Julian’s lap, and he glances up at me before smiling down on her. They’re comfortable together, only solidifying that my sister has used her daughter to try and heal all of us. And for the most part, it works. Like a bandaid decorated in pink and purple flowers, Lia stops the wound from splitting any further. Like a bandaid, she stops us all from bleeding out.

Focused on the interaction between Julian and Lia, the only indication that I’ve missed something important is when I feel him shift, moving his leg away from mine. I immediately miss his touch, the hum in my body I was becoming accustomed to dissipates, and I search around us to understand what changed.

My ears perk up, my brother’s name reaching the ears of the congregation. The weight on my chest increases as the priest ‘remembers his short, but memorable life.’ I watch my family tensing around me, and Julian shutting down as my brother is described in numerous, underwhelming adjectives.

I look back at Lia wistfully. She helps, but nothing will ever miraculously fix it.

As usual death and grief snuffs out any goodness in the air, souring the mood with promises of just another dark and painful day. The service is to honor his memory, but what it really is, is a day to acknowledge that time doesn’t heal a single fucking thing.

It’s a cruel promise. One the universe repeatedly doles out, only to repeatedly break.

It isn’t long before everyone around me is rising from their seats, and we’re all making our way outside. I’m on autopilot, the quick change in my mood annoying me.

For a moment there, I felt like I could breathe.

The air wasn’t thick and stale. For a moment there I felt like there was more for me than always feeling like this.

We all congregate at the bottom of the steps, my mother and Victoria bickering about what to do next.

“Why can’t we go out to eat?” Victoria suggests.

“It’s cold and your grandparents don’t need to be driving around in this weather,” my mother responds harshly.

“Oh, Elaine,” my grandfather interrupts. “We’re just old, we’re not incapable.”

Victoria presses her lips together, hiding her smile. “If you want, Pop, I can drive your car for you and Hayden can drive our car with Lia.” Victoria sneaks an apologetic glance at her husband but he just smiles and nods. The man would do anything for my sister.

Vic returns her focus to Mom. “Wouldn’t it be nice to go to Rhett’s favorite restaurant instead of being cooped up in the house?”

Cooped up with all the sad, sick memories is what she means. And she’s right. Rhett died there. And no matter how many good memories we have in that house, none of them are strong enough to ward off the most painful one.

My dad’s face softens in understanding. He plasters on a smile and grabs my mother by the elbow. “I think it’s a great idea, Elaine. If my parents get tired or uncomfortable, I’ll take them home myself.”

Irrespective of the fact my grandfather stated he would be coming and driving his own car, my father’s words leave her with no argument, no other reason to say no.

Her eyes scan all our hopeful faces, and she realizes she’s been beat. “I had everything prepared to cook,” she pouts.

I risk her wrath and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “You deserve a break, mom. You can take today off, and just cook it all tomorrow.”

She tilts her head up at me. “Will you stay to eat the food tomorrow?”

Surprised that there’s no sarcasm, and the request is filled with genuine hope, I nod. “Of course, mom. I’ll stay as long as I can.”

I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but for some reason mine only search for Julian’s. He’s looking right back at me, his gaze knowing and perceptive. His mouth curves at the edges, a hint of a smile forming, one that I find myself wanting to reciprocate.

Feeling my face heat up, I school my expression, break our connection and look at my sister. “Are we ready to go?”

“Yesss,” she cheers excitedly while clapping her hands together in victory. “Let’s meet at El Sarapes.”

All in agreement, we each split off to our respective cars, and I find myself once again alone with Julian.

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